What am I Where-ing?

 

Thanks for asking! I'm doing this at the Shaw Theatre tonight.
Tonight. In five hours.
And then Thursday and Friday.
We'll work out exactly what I'm doing nearer the time.
Can't wait!

Hoo... that post took a lot quicker to write than I expected.

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 15

"Oh they go there, do they?"
"Waggee, look -"
"No!" Waggee butted in, "I understand your 'thing' with clothes, Zip. You like wearing clothes, I've accepted that. Which is precisely why I put the hook up... WHO THE FRARK IS SHE?!"

From "Zip Startrousers Swipes Right"

 Actual illustration by Tom Kidd

Going to see

 When you join the Labour Party you receive emails addressing you as "comrade" which is a bit hilarious. Now Corbyn's leader of the party, and a non-appointed front bench are resigning in droves, and it's still a bit hilarious. Here, anyway, is what I reckon...

"I see you, the media!"

 I genuinely don't think I'll forget that first TV debate. I'll never forget thinking "Well 'favourite' Andy Burnham's nobody's favourite now surely." But more than that, I won't forget the woman in the audience who asked why refugees should be given a home while she might lose hers, and how Corbyn scolded her and took this opportunity to attack the show "Benefits Street", and then how Yvette Cooper said she didn't want to see her lose her home either, and how I thought that that was important. Both Cooper and Kendall appeared to have a far greater understanding of the true importance of Social Security than their male counterparts. It was practical, not ideological. So why did I end up voting for Corbyn?

 Maybe it's because the next time I saw Yvette Cooper on television she was talking about how her policies were "for the future, not the past..." and I just couldn't take any more guff. "We need to send a clear message" - every candidate was saying that apart from Corbyn. Maybe it's because I found candidates campaigning for the party leadership on a platform of how attractive they'd prove to the opposing party off-puttingly bone-headed as a strategy: "Vote for me because I'll ignore you." Maybe it's because I wanted an opposition that opposed and didn't just abstain. Maybe it was because of that thing I wrote about wanting a Labour movement that engaged with the electorate as an energy to be harnassed rather than a market to be captured. Maybe it's because, horrible as this sounds, Cooper's husband couldn't even save his own seat so I found it very difficult seeing him on the steps of Number 10, even by association.

 Mainly though, I think I voted for him because I wanted him to win. To see. Just to see. That might strike you as irresponsible, and I take the passion of those on the Left who attack Corbyn as unelectable extremely seriously, but I just can't agree yet. Arguing that his leadership would condemn Labour to the political wilderness ignores the fact that Labour have lost two elections now, while Nigel Farage made a far larger dent in the political discourse than Miliband without even winning a seat. What exactly is a wilderness if not where Labour already was? There'll be voters at the next election who were born in 2002. Try warning about them about "the lessons of the '80s".

 

 

This image is included to fool people.

 

 And was the 1980's really such a wilderness? I remember that wilderness producing pretty much everything British that I loved about growing up: the television, the comedy, the music, the comics. So - however long Corbyn leads the party for - I look forward to some excellent art coming out of it.  The Great Consensus is over, maybe not for good, and maybe Corbyn will prove an immediate disaster in which case it will be back stronger than ever, but at least it will have earnt it. I'm very excited that we're finally going to see. And until that happens, let's not use the word "sensible" in a debate again. (Tony Blair argues that most "sensible" people recognise it wasn't the whole economy that broke, just a small part of it. The chain didn't break. Just the one link... Also, if we're going to discuss the National Economy in terms of a family making savings then let's shrink the banks down by the same degree and admit we're talking about a family that owes money to, at best, another family whose lives they saved... or if the banks are larger than this, admit that that's a problem. Focus, Simon.)

 

Likewise this image from Roger Quimbly.

Although what's not to like?

 

 And how long will Corbyn lead the party? I thought during those debates he'd have no taste for it - that he was a direction rather a director. But his often stirring and occasionally whiney acceptance speech yesterday showed me a man who was up for it. So we will see, won't we? Personally I'm worried about Tom Watson as deputy. He's a magnificent campaigner and there's much talk of him uniting the party BUT... he did call Michael Gove a pipsqueak. But you hate Michael Gove, Simon! Haha, yeah... No, yeah, I really do... but if there is a lesson from the 80's, I think it's also the lesson of 2010 and 2015, the lesson Obama learnt, helping him beat the far more centrist Clinton: it has never gone well for the political Left when it talks about Good and Evil. Do your job, focus on the facts, convince through competence, smile, be courteous, and let the Right go mental and out themselves.

  Speaking of security, an almost identical message found its way to me

as an email from CCHQ, somehow circumventing my spam filter.

 

 Nobody likes being told off. Let the artists handle the telling off. Corbyn needs to learn that immediately, and so does Watson. Which is pretty much where we came in, with Corbyn scolding a scared woman and Yvette Cooper trying to reassure her. Right! I'm off to see what I've missed in the past hour.

 Comrades.

 

"Does that make us targets for gunfire?" 

An example of excellent art.

The Book of Kirby

Source

Here's something to be adored: It turns out Jack Kirby talks exactly like the Bible - not the way Stan Lee thinks the Bible sounds, not full of "thee"s and thou"s - but an actual Genesis, with every event preceded by the thought that created it, every short sentence beginning with an "And..."
Just watch this glorious interview with the creator of the Fantastic Four, Incredible Hulk, Silver Surfer, etc. etc. - hear him declaim what's transcribed below and imagine what those comics might have been like if he'd been allowed to fill his own speech bubbles.

I see that story first.
I feel that story first.

I know those people first.
When I put them down they’ve already lived
And I put them down as I’d like them to live on those pages.
My stories are very sincere.
My stories are people stories.

My inspirations were the fact that I had to make sales

And I had to come up with characters that were no longer stereotypes.

In other words I couldn’t depend on gangsters, I had to get something new.
And of course for some reason I went to the Bible.
I came up with Galactus.

 

And there I was in front of this tremendous figure
Who I knew very well
Because I’ve always felt him.

And I remember in my first story I had to back away from him
To resolve that story.
And of course the Silver Surfer is a fallen angel.
And when Galactus relegated him to Earth
He stayed on Earth.
And that was the beginning of his adventures.

And they were figures that had never before been used in comics.
They were above mythic figures.
And of course they were the First Gods.

And I began thinking along those lines.
And the New Gods evolved from those lines.

And I began to ask myself:
“Everybody else had their Gods. What are ours?
What is the shape of our society, in the form of myth and legend?
Who are our Gods? Who are our Evil Gods?
And who are our Good ones?”
And I tried to resolve them in the New Gods.

And I came up with some very, very interesting characters.
And very good sales

Which satisfied me immensely.

Now I didn’t resolve the questions.
I’m a guy who lives with a lot of questions.
I say: “What’s out there?”
And I try to resolve that.
And I never can.
I don’t think anybody can.
Who’s got the answers?
I sure would like to hear the ultimate one.
But I haven’t yet.
And so I live with a lot of questions.
And I find that entertaining.

I find that entertaining.
And if my life were to end tomorrow
It would be fulfilled in that manner.

I would say: “The questions have been terrific.”

"What we're trying to do really is create a living hell, have people pay admission..."

Okay on the one hand, pranks r the wurst. On the other hand though, the funniest stuff's never written on a blank page.

I knew nothing about Coyle and Sharpe until ten minutes ago but I urge you now to listen. Honestly, you're reduced to spending your evenings looking up celebrity roasts of Ted Knight on youtube thinking you've seen and heard it all yet there's fifty-year-old treasure like this lying around unregarded. Thanks to Robert Popper then for regarding, and to Sam Bain for reposting. I can't tell how you happy this makes me.

Another prank that has made me very happy, by the way, is BBC3's Murder In Successville. Beautifully played by six foot seven inches of Tom Davis, and beautifully shot for tuppence by James de Frond (I understand he had to fork out for his own drone) it's live and mad and corpsey and oh, just lots of things I haven't seen British Comedy be in ages. It's not on Wednesdays any more though but something that still is is Before They Were Famous, and the last of my Henrik Ibsen Christmas Cracker jokes.

 

Henry Gibson.

Now, see, I'd heard of him.

Ostensibly a riff on the writing styles of the greats, the real theme of this show - and what, I suspect I'm not alone in discovering among the new writers commissioned, made the sketches so fun to write - is rejection, and sympathy for the idea of trying to turn the smallest commission into The Great Work.

Coyle and Sharp though!

"ANOTHER BIG SACK FULL OF YOUR CRIES FOR HELP"

The Bible and Darwin are travel writing, the cancer is zombies... 

Chuck and George Stroumboulopoulos both making an effort.

Chuck Pahlaniuk - I found out, while researching how to pronounce his name for the latest episode of Before They Were Famous - is every bit as refreshing an interviewee as Alan Moore. My sketch "Chuck Palahnuik's Prankster's Nook" doesn't even attempt to reflect this, obviously. But sometimes you just have to take Fight Club and a half-remembered Goodies' Criminal Book of Records gag -

 

(Specifically I misremembered this as
"Amaze your parents - Tell them you have cancer")

... and run with it. You've a month left to hear this on iplayer, and I reckon a day left to hear the Alan Moore. I loved doing them. Have I said that already? 'Ere:

- Chuck Palahniuk is the author of “Invisible Monsters”, “Rant”, “Snuff”, “Choke”, and the novel for which he is most famous, “Fight Club”. His themes are cultural marginalisation, self-destructive aggression, crises of identity and the impulse towards anarchy, so it was surprising to learn that he cut his teeth editing the letters’ page of the children’s supplement of the Portland Tribune, under the banner “Chuck Palahniuk’s Prankster’s Nook”.

Hey Pranksters, Uncle Chuck here with another big sack full of your cries for help. Let the pranking commence.

Dear Pranksters,
My name is Vanessa and I am nine. Our math teacher Miss Gimball is really mean and boring, so one day the whole class decided to prank her by stapling a bunch of paper cups into a pyramid on her desk, and then filling them full of water! She made the Principal call our parents but it was worth it. Math is hooey. Does anyone you have more ideas for cool pranks that we can play? Love you, Uncle Chuck!   Vanessa, 9

Hey Vanessa,

Your attitude towards education is symptomatic of everything rotten in this country, and I salute you. Remember kids: The world is selling you a lie. A Chuck Palahniuk’s Prank Club Membership Card and Brochure are wending their way to you as we speak, featuring all kinds of cool deals on products such as the exploding lighter, the electric showerhead, and the bullet-through-the-cheek trick. In the meantime, here’s a cool prank - When the principal calls you into his office, wait until he has your parents on the phone, then punch yourself in the mouth. Punch yourself hard. Keep punching until he hangs up and I guarantee, when your family see your what’s happened to your face, you won’t have any trouble from him or Miss Gimball.

Now, a complaint: 

Mr. Palahniuk, my name is Wendy Gunderson. This morning I came downstairs to find my kitchen in disarray and my eight-year-old son James looking for a litre of vinegar. When I asked him what it was for, he directed me to an item in the “Cool Things To Try” column of your Prank Club brochure entitled: “How To Turn Your Skin into Soap.” Is this behaviour typical of the club’s activities? Please cancel my subscription to the Tribune. He is eight.    Wendy, 26

Dear Wendy, 

Please be assured, we here at the Prank Club are just as mad with Jamie as you. What he has done completely contravenes Club rules, as set out on the membership card. It clearly states: The first rule of Prank Club is: You do not talk about Prank Club. The second rule of Prank Club is: You do not talk about Prank Club. The third rule of Prank Club is: Always be a pranky neighbour. I am sorry for him, and I am sorry for you, but I am not sorry not for your kitchen. Here’s a more appreciative letter. It’s in block capitals:

DEAR PRANKSTERS, PLEASE CAN I RECOMMEND MYSELF FOR MEMBERSHIP OF THE PRANK CLUB, I AM 47 YEARS OLD AND LIVE WITH MY MOTHER AND YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY THING IN MY LIFE THAT MAKES ANY SENSE RIGHT NOW. PLEASE DON’T LET THEM FIRE YOU, UNCLE CHUCK. IF THAT HAPPENED I WOULD DIE. YOU GUYS ARE LIKE A FAMILY. PLEASE. I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO TURN.

                                           ROBERT 47       P.S. I HAVE NEVER KNOWN A WOMAN.

Dear Robert, welcome. You are in a safe place now. I will give you a new name to celebrate your joining us. “Robert” was not helping you. “Robert” is no more. Kids, let’s all welcome our new recruit by sending in suggestions for what he should now be called. Personally, I like “Worthless Bob.”  Hey, I recognize this next prankster:
                                          

Chuck, this is your editor Kevin. Stop telling children to punch themselves in the mouth. I’m really serious about this. I’m going to have to take you off this page if it continues. You need to see someone. This isn’t cool.         Kevin, 38

Hey Kevin. You should let go a bit more. I feel your job is ruling your life. Don’t you live in the same building you work in? Hey kids, the address is up there at the front of this paper - why not come over and buck Kevin up with some surprise pranks? 

Finally, Prank of the Week. Let’s see who’s won the $5!

Hey Chuck, my name is you. I would like to nominate myself for Prank of the Week because I have just set fire to your house in a psychotic fugue. Now you are free, free from your catalogue-chosen hell, free to be who you are, which is me.    You, 23

Congratulations, Chuck! Cool twist. I don’t remember that happening at all. Well, that’s it for this week’s Pranksters’ Corner, kids. 

And remember: Nothing of this.                             

 

Ikea 2013 catalog (sic)

"ALL THIS... I SNIFF."

Isn't he great? He's so great. 

When producer Claire Broughton sent out a list of possible authors to spoof for the third series of Ian Leslie's Before They Were Famous I can't have been the only writer excited to see Alan Moore's name on it. How much of an overlap actually exists between fans of 2000AD (I smuggle John Wagner in there too) and Radio 4 comedy is another matter, but on a purely, selfishly personal level – considering this is the first time I've performed my own stuff on the radio, and possibly the first time the great man's been impersonated on Radio 4 – I couldn't be happier with how "Alan Moore's scripts for Fred Basset" turned out. Hey, Dave Gibbons tweeted me today! The artist of Watchmen? Yeah, him: "really funny (and accurate!)" he said - JUST SAYIN'! Sorry... But this is exactly why I've left it so long to write this post - I can't write charmingly about it, I'm too obnoxiously happy! 

Anyway, it's available to listen to for another month, with great work too from Marc Haynes, Abi Burdess, Benet Brandreth and Alex Lowe as Alex Graham. 

 

 And here, for posterity and the deaf, is that bit in full:

- For one extraordinarily prolific period in the 1980’s, Northampton-based writer and cartoonist Alan Moore spearheaded a revolution in comics with such “graphic novels” as “Watchmen” and “V for Vendetta”, both of which would later be turned into big budget films from which Moore immediately disassociated himself. His correspondence with artists often ran to hundreds of pages in length, providing evidence of a garrulous polymath with a flair for the esoteric, driven to push both collaborators and the boundaries of his chosen genre to their absolute limit. One of Moore’s first correspondents was the Daily Mail’s Alex Graham, who was looking for new blood to take over writing duties on his popular dog-based cartoon strip “Fred Bassett”. Moore’s strips were never published, but his scripts survive...

Hullo Alex! 

Great to hear you’re interested in running an eye, or preferably both, over my as yet pretty much let’s face it about-as-untested-as-a-chat-up-line-in-a-bordello efforts. Shall we crack on then? Fasten your seat belts, as the actress said to the aeroplane, and eyes down for a full house..

 Panel I: 

Our hero, Fred Bassett, dog, indoors, paws on windowsill, staring glumly out at a rainy day. Thought bubble: “IT'S RAINING OUTSIDE... COLD, FAT DROPS POUNDING DOWN UPON A HUNGRY EARTH, TURNING INTO VIOLENT, BRIEF AND RECIPROCATING SOUP THE MUSTY INSECT CARTRIDGES THAT LITTER THE GOLF COURSE. THE WIFE OF THE HUMAN WHO CALLS HIMSELF MY OWNER SWERVES IN THE RAIN TO AVOID AN OBLIVIOUS FOX AND, FOR A SECOND, IS REMINDED SHE TOO IS BURSTABLE. THREE DOORS DOWN, A SLEEPING CHILD BREAKS INTO A COLD SWEAT AS HE DREAMS OF A SCHOOL OF SHARKS, EACH WEARING THE FACE OF HIS FATHER. ALL THIS... I SNIFF. DOGS CAN SMELL FEAR. IT IS 10.37 AM.” 

 Panel 2 -

Dear Alan,

Thanks very much but I don’t think I’ll be able to get all that in the one bubble. Have you anything with fewer words? I like the idea of Fred looking out of the window though.          

Yours in anticipation, 

Alex Graham

Hullo Alex! 

Uncle Alan here. Point taken. Let’s go wordless. Comics are a visual medium, and the absence of thought bubbles frees us from having to pretend a dog thinks in sentences which, to my mind at least, seems marginally less likely than a human thinking in smells. If you’re sitting comfortably then - 

 Panel I: 

Fred looking out of the rain-swept window, his nose glistening. Behind him, a newspaper torn to shreds, the remnants of its headlines still visible. The word fragments "-UCLEAR" "-MEGEDDON" and "IMMIN-". 

 Panel 2: 

We pull back. Thirty feet above the house, Fred still visible in the window. Next door a barbecue is being rained off. 

 Panel 3: Pull back. We are above the clouds now but the weather is clearing, The Swan visible in the gaps, its drunken patrons searching their pockets for car keys. On one of the clouds: a lip-stick-tube-shaped shadow. 

 Panel 4: Pull back. The Earth -

Dear Alan,

I don’t really want to draw that.

For one thing it’s a hundred and twenty seven panels long, Fred Bassett traditionally runs to three or four. For another, we’re outside the known universe as early as panel thirteen, and I’m not comfortable drawing backgrounds on the best of days. Shall we give it another go?

Yours,
Alex Graham.

Hullo Alex! 

Message received. Onwards and upwards then, here’s the new script. Roll up your sleeves, gird your loins, send the ladies out of the room, pull up a chair, hoist the main brace, check your mirrors, press your trousers, pawn the silver, hide the vicar, declog the veeblefetzers, check down the back of the sofa, fire up the engines -

Alan, Alan…

That letter was four hundred pages long and I was still on the introduction by page 103. 
In happier news: The BBC has now said they’re interested in a television show with no less a talent than Lionel Jeffries providing the voice of Fred. I hope you’re as excited about this development as I am.
Looking forward to something a bit shorter,
Alex Graham.

- Complying with Graham’s request, Alan Moore’s next letter ran to just one sentence…

Burn what we have wrought, Alex, burn it to the ground and we can but hope from the resultant scorched earth a purer form may bloom.

- Graham turned next to a fellow Scotsman famous for the terseness of his scripts. A colleague of Moore’s, John Wagner would later create the ultra-violent, twenty-second century lawman "Judge Dredd"...                              

Fred Bassett. 

Panel I: 

Owner to dog: “SAY WOOF, BOY. SAY WOOF.” Dog: “SHAN'T.”
Panels 2-4: 

Owner shoots dog in head with a complicated gun. 

Pours petrol on dog. 

Lights match. Caption: ”WOOF!”

 You’re welcome.

  

 And of course Moore was actually a wiz at the animal-based comic strip. Of course he was...

(From Philip Sandifier's exhaustive and ongoing history of Moore: The Last War in Albion.)