Not Safe For Work

  On Tuesday I held a place for the Webcamming Chronicles (a very different show from Spike) which Maud Madlyn and Andrès Montes Zuluaga will be performing again tonight at the Cockpit Theatre as part of Trojana – either the name of their company, or of the very specific sex-work-based project this show is a part of, I'm not quite sure which – and as this is a recommendation I'm going to try to get it written and posted while there's still time to get a ticket. There's a Q and A after tonight's show as well. I guarantee you will have questions, but I can't guarantee you'll necessarily want the answers. 

 To quote Trojana's f*c*b**k page:

"For this particular piece, performer Maud Madlyn took on her most demanding personal and professional challenge to date: work as an adult webcam model and trainer. She infiltrated the industry from a clandestine studio in Cali, Colombia, second world-leading power in this business. Why? To see what sexual desire looked and sounded like when decency and political correctness were stripped away."

 Along with many mutual friends from the London Dungeon I'd known Maude from when she ran the Etcetera Theatre above the Oxford Arms in Camden, and after she left the country – (side note: I love that she describes herself as "French-born" rather than French; I might start describing myself as British-born, it immediately seems a little freeing) – I knew from her instagram posts she was doing something involving not wearing clothes, but it wasn't until I saw this show on Tuesday that I realised her specific level of commitment, and that Trojana may have taken its name from the horse.

Image taken from this review of Webcamming Chronicles' Covid times, online premiere

 

 Not knowing much about the show beforehand however probably made it more unforgettable, and so I don't want to say too much more about Andrès' and Maude's investigations (I also want to get this posted pretty quickly, as I said) but – with the proviso that every audience will make every show different, and so what it felt like when I saw it might not be what it feels like any other night – I will say that the two things I probably loved most about the show were: 1) That I really wasn't prepared for it, and that it didn't seem to care – content warnings are incredilbly important but I hadn't realised until I watched this how much they also really make me feel like a consumer, like I'm in the shops – but I only loved this because 2) While a piece of staged journalism, it never stopped being art, by which I mean liminal, by which I'm trying to find a word that sounds less pretentious but still describes the necessary protective shared understanding that you don't have to immediately engage with the work as fact, that you can interrogate it without feeling you're interrogating the artist. That's what I mean. That thing that Nanette didn't have. Interrogating a work means you can create a conversation within yourself. And I don't know if I ever heard these specific words said, but the phrase "unsafely human" was something powerful I was left with,

 Of course, Trojana might also take its name from the first ever webcamming star: the coffee pot outside the Trojan Room of Cambridge University. If you're going tonight, maybe you could ask.

 

BIG Asgardian News!!! (Still Watin' For Lembit)

 

 Speaking of motherhood...

 The Space Parliament of Asgardia (the hard-drive orbiting Earth, chairman: Lembit Öpik) has just had its seventeenth (?!) international cyber-sitting, and put all three days of it up online, as is the Agardian way. I haven't taken minutes of the whole thing as before – because there are hour and hours of it – but looking in on the opening day I did notice a development you might want to hear about.

 We're seventeen minutes into the first day, Lembit's late again, and someone's just complimented the Minister of Manufacturing Jacob Mulder's presentation skills, suggesting he should get his own radio show, which is nice, but just everyone's basically hanging around. Then Egbert Edelbrœk asks if he should play a commercial, and Jacob laughs, but no, Egbert's not joking, he's made a presentational video which was going to be played later so they might as well play it now. 

 And to my enormous surprise we then see... well, firstly, this:

 Because it's always nice to get a glimpse of someone's wallpaper for a split second (this looks A LOT dirtier when only glimpsed) but then the video...

 

 Is this Asgardia?! Is this what's up there, the hard-drive? Or just a plan for what to send up next?

 "Is there sound?" someone asks. 

 Interesting shape too. I don't really know what a butt plug looks like, but it does look like something you might use to plug a butt. And what does "Spaceborn United" mean?

 Then we get a cross section...

 

 And it takes me a moment to realise what I'm looking at...

 

 Oh wow, that's...

 

  ... 

 And then it ends. 

 By which point Lembit has joined us to start proceedings, munching on something, crisps? "Bon appetit, Mr. Chairman," to quote Ariadne Gallardo. Voting is about to start, Lembit explains: "You can vote Yes, No, or I don't know"...

How's Living In Space Looking? A Timeline of Asgardia's First Ever Live Q&A

 

 Seguéing from Stooky Bill to Lembit Öpik is a cheap shot I know, but the Space Nation of Asgardia broadcast its first ever Live Weekly Q&A with the Chairman of Parliament over a month ago now, and I've been meaning to record minutes of it on here ever since. The questions potentially raised about the founding of an international space community may be more pertinent now than ever. Also, today is the founder's birthday! Happy Birthday Dr. Igor! Also I've been bingeing For All Mankind (and I've been trying to binge Foundation, but there are so many space guns!) So let's go...

 

 

 

 00:00 – Live stream countdown starts.

 10:04 – We begin not with the Q&A but an absolutely must-see promotional film. If you don't already know what Asgardia is this might not be the best introduction, so just to bring newcomers up to speed...

 

 As first explained back in this post, the "dream driven space nation" is currently just a memory stick with its own national anthem, orbiting the Earth, whose "Head of Nation" and "Chairman of Parliament" – former missile tycoon Doctor Igor Ashurbeyli, and former Liberal Democrat MP and Cheeky Girl consort Lembit Öpik – are now keen to organize, among other things, the first ever child born in zero gravity.

 

 Obviously this enterprise raises some interesting questions, such as what might drive this new nation's economy? Well we now have an answer: Franchising! Really, the promo is quite something.

 

 Now let's meet Opik...

12:04 - Q&A with the Chairman of Parliament begins! There's no sound. However it's hard to tell if anyone knows this. There's also no Chairman of Parliament.

 

None of these people is Lembit Opik.

13:39 – We have sound! But still no Chairman. It's not really clear if it's started. Some people are still trying to find the link. 

15:29 – This flashes up for a second some reason:

 

... Which is fun.

 15:30 – "Who's going to start the meeting?" Still no Chairman. Maybe Lembit missed the new time. There are Asgardians all around the world and it must be genuinely hard to arrange a globally convenient window: "This hour is not popular for many others." (By the way, despite it seeming to be the first language of absolutely noone pesent, everyone is speaking English which is really appreciated.) Is it possible to contact Mr. Lembit? "A warning, maybe?"

16:21 – "Don't worry. We're going to send the security people to go and get him. Give me a minute," jokes an unseen "Aida M." It's all very good humoured. I don't wish to misrepresent this. Asgardian Mayoral candidate Ferda Inan suggests that migh have been an Agents of Shield reference, possibly for the record. More logging on. Everyone starts comparing their climates.

18:36 – Clearly unable to conact Lembit, the Chair of the Executive Committee Salvos Mouzakitis logs back on to get the ball rolling. (I've no idea what all these titles mean.) SESSION BEGINS! 

 

 Salvos really seems to know what he's talking about, so this all gets a bit harder to follow, but here are the topics covered:

18:45 – A hundred and forty four amendments to the Asgardian Constitution have been proposed at a recent summit of the "Supreme Space Council". No amendment was rejected on the grounds of not being liked it, only if it were deemed "non-constitutional". Salvos praises the professional focus of the four members of the Supreme Space Council who turned up – ("I didn't expect it, to be honest") – but he doesn't have the results of their vote because he's on holiday.

23:24 – There is to be a meeting of the Asgardian Legislative Forum on the twenty sixth. Salvos will attempt to participate again, at least in part, but he is still meant to be out of office, and is really beginning to piss off his wife. "I am in danger, real danger that my wife will divorce me," and his wife is a lawyer. Among topics up for discussion at the forum will be the decentralisation of Asgardia, as the franchising plan has hit a snag it seems: Apparently China is turning out knock-offs.
25:00 – That's really all Salvos can bring to the table right now, as Lembit still hasn't shown up and he hadn't prepared to chair this meeting, so the floor is given to Ferda Inan.

 

 25:28 – Ferda was hoping for more gossip. Salvos says he wants to wait for Lembit. Ferda has no more questions and returns the floor to Salvos. "Thank you." 

 

 26:29 – Chair of the Foreign Affairs Committee Seref Kaplan has a question: Can we have subtitles? Salvos segues onto the topic of the translations, in particular the – understandably stretched – but sloppy translations being provided in the lead up to Asgardia's forthcoming constitutional elections. To further complicate matters, mistakes have been spotted in the English originals, "Head of Government" and "Head of Nation" being used interchangeably, for example, when these are entirely separate pillars of Asgardian Government, and differentiating between them will prove vital if the Asgardian electorate is to determine what either of them eventually mean. 

An announcement is expected from Lembit when the first Asgardian books are to be appear.

A succesful Persian translation of the Asgardian consitution has now been completed by "Navid". 

 31:08 – Tax law. Salvos is personally not in favour of Asgardian taxes as Asgardians aleady pay taxes in their native countries (and presumably because Asgardia doesn't actually do anything yet – also isn't there a joining fee?) If there are to be taxes however, Salvos prefers taxing gross profit rover net because it's less work. 

33:43 – Once Asgardia leaves zoom and physical sittings resume, "Fernando" has proposed rotating the countries in which these take place. Salvos loves travelling, but of course there are visa considerations and also not everyone can afford it. Basic stuff, cooly considered.

35:20 – Fernando has also suggested the Asgardian website could be improved.

36:20 – MP Bridget. She proposes Canada for a physical sitting: "They tend to have much lower standards from what I'm aware of as far as entry into their nation." I'm guessing Bridget's from America, although from my own personal gap year experiences I can tell you she's not wrong.

She also suggests free language classes as a perk for Asgardian residents. Apparently there are plans afoot for an official Asgardian Academy. 

39:22 – Seref has the floor again. He has uploaded a Turkish translation of the constitution to the website, but just wants everyone to know it's not a translation of the most recent version. Seref is very on board with Bridget's free langauage class idea. They could might a real draw. Or even just a separate enterprise, open to non-residents. He also proposes Turkey for the physical sittings, especially if it's off season.

44:45 – Salvos expresses doubts about how easy it will be to get a lecturer to give regular language classes for free, but would love to go to Istanbul.

47:33 – Ferda again. Apparently nobody should worry about how the Academy will be funded, and volunteers are welcome to upload educational videos to it. Salvos suggests preparing a promotional intro: "Make it nice." (Was Ferda behind the Asgardian promo?) Ferda: "Done already." Salvos: "Really? Great!" Ferda: "Why not?" I couldn't hear the topic chosen for the Academy's first lecture. Visas? 

 

 

 

50:35 – Aida M has the floor: Not all countries have the internet. Could these classes be put onto a video or CD and posted out? Also not all countries speak English. Also either you've got to pay people or not. Also Aida has been asking for a while for sign language translations.

53:26 – Aida still has the floor but this has flashed up for a couple of seconds:

 

Some absolute crackers there.

53:50 – Salvos supports Aida's proposal and recognises how vital accessibility must be for the Asgardian project to succeed. However, he points out there are as many different sign langauges as there are spoken languages. "That's going to be a problem."

56:15 – Ferda says that sign languages aren't actually too varied. It's more like an accent thing.

58:30 – Aida says you have to start somewhere. There seems a general consensus then that "English" sign language will be something to look at. (The inverted commas are my own because I'm not sure British and American Sign languages are the same.) Salvos will bring this up with Lembit.

59:40 – Apparently there's a lot of talk happening in the chat about going to Canada. Salvos does not necessarily support it. I get the impression he's spent quite a lot more time on here than he meant to. Session ends. "Adios, amigos." 

 Lembit remained a no show, but two days later recorded the video at the top of this post.

It's 0005. That's right. Here's Lembit Öpik.

The historic Handing Over of the Licensing Agreement

 

 "Hello, I'm Lembit Öpik, the Chair of Parliament for Asgardia, the worlds' first space nation." Oh yes! The Asgardian adventure is still very much a thing, and joining Lembit today to see in the year "Triple-O Five" are Asgardian Prime Minister Lena De Winne, Mark Bogen – the "CEO of Asgardia Financial Ark and Minister of Finance" – and Ben Dell – "a business person who wants to do business in Asgardia" – all here to witness the signing of this, the very first business contract between Asgardia and "an Earthling business". That's not what we're actually witnessing here in this little clip, is it? You can't just hand stuff over in a zoom chat, can you? And then cut to it being signed? And why are they boasting about the "many, many... long and sometimes challenging sessions" it's taken to draw this licensing agreement up, if business person Ben Dell is, according to his own linkedin profile, Deputy Chair of Parliament for Asgardia? Wouldn't that have made negotiating quite easy? 

 I should stop minding. Ultimately, the Asgardian project has always been an adventure in presentation, and it's in the little things, like Lembit Öpik's joke at the end, where the real thrills are to be found.

 

 

 Thank you very much. In other news, I'm keeping the tree up until at least February.