"What silly voices we might have!"

Arms, Simon?

 

 All 4 episodes of "Angstrom" are now listenable-to, in some form or other, on the web – the first episode as a Comedy Of The Week podcast here, the other three still available on iplayer here. Playing the narrator finally allowed me to put all those Anglo-Saxon classes to use (TANGENT: that is where I first learnt that English poetry originally followed lines of four stresses, rather than the five beats of classical verse, which are an affectation towards Italian. This is why Peter Hall was talking bols when he said iambic pentameter just followed our natural speech patterns: ask most people to quote Shakespeare and they'll say "To BE or NOT to be, THAT is the QUES-tion", not "To BE or NOT to BE, that IS the QUES-tion". They'll say "A HORSE, a HORSE, my KING-dom for a HORSE", not "A HORSE, a HORSE, my KING-dom FOR a HORSE". They'll say "SHALL I com-PARE thee to a SUM-mer's DAY?" not "Shall I com-PARE thee TO a SUM-mer's DAY?" I mean, I COULD GO ON, PETER.) Anyway, I don't know how much of this Joel Morris and Jason Hazeley were down with, but they're both excellent musicians (and always banging on about how comedy is music*) and I adore how the finished show sounds – on top of just how much it makes me laugh – and am very proud to have been part of that rhythm section. As for my accent, I don't know... Leslie Caron? And Bols Aashol's voice has, I now realise, more than a bit of Jim Carter in "Detectives on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown" about him, which I've no regrets about at all. Joel and Jason don't seem to have any regrets either, and working for them always provides a great opportunity to receive their unconditional love. Thanks to them, and producer Lyndsay Fenner. for such a leap of faith. Angstrom was, and is, happy.

Oh, NOW you fold them!

... As of course is John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme, whose Series 7 finale aired last week. Fans of the show will probably already know that producer Ed Morrish posts his own accounts of each episode on tumblr. I would add here only that John and I went through a number of voices for the Better Memory Entrepreneurs, before settling on what you hear; that they sound so much like our goldfish voices is a genuine coincidence which I only wish we'd realised at the time, and committed to even more. And how do you top last year's Musical? Well – as Juliet Brando put it on twitter – with a "Finnception", by which I mean, if you haven't already listened to the episode, there's absolutely nothing unusual or spoilerable about Episode 6 at all, it's all just normal great Finnemore goodness.

Pictured: Liam Gallagher's coffee maker, which we found taking up half the studio on day 1.

 

 Even a lip-gnawing, own-tail-chasing, louche twat like me can appreciate being in two such special things in a month. As much as performers bring lines to life, lines bring performers to life; John is Geppetto, Jason and Joel are Sid from Toy Story; both are master toy makers, and being brought to life by both was magic fun.

 Oh, and did you know WE'RE GOING ON TOUR?!

Not with these guys though. Well not yet, at least. Here's that cracking Angstrom theme.

* Let's elaborate: Of course, they're right, but "is" is a big, old two-letter word. I'd say, comedy requires what music requires, but more than it, and less of it (although you can't have too much) and the "it" is the wheels of comedy, not the motor, which is an idea (however if I knew more about music, maybe I'd realise ideas are the motors of music too.)

Votes For Women: The Case Against

I ruddy love playing politicians, me. I also love playing police as part of the old immersive (see profile pic above right {or this}) and over the weekend I was lucky enough to do both as part of Story Spinner's interventions and rally celebrating the centenary of Women's Suffrage at the Museum of London. The whole event was incredibly well attended, and I got to see what the City gets up to before noon, which is pretty much exactly what I expected:

We had to write our own speeches for the rally, which was great because I really hadn't done any paid writing at all last year. The first character given to me was "an anti-women’s suffrage politician, of the Liberal persuasion. They were not anti the idea women’s suffrage per se, but worried that women would vote Tory and boot them out..." which of course they then did. This made for a great jumping off point in the current climate of Brexit and Trump, and I loved performing the speech in front of families all waiting for something to boo. Here's a little clip of it posted on twitter, and here's the whole thing:

Thank you for inviting me to speak. I will open my address, if I may, by saying something that may shock you:

I want a fairer society for all. 

Why then do I wish to deny women The Vote, lovely as that might sound? Well, by way of an answer I would like, if you will indulge me, to tell you a fairy tale... Imagine a utopia, a world in which every citizen were indeed allowed to vote. One day a proposition is put to these lucky inhabitants and it is this: If passed by a majority - if more than half the inhabitants vote in favour - these voters will be allowed to banish everyone who voted against the proposition, and take all of their belongings. Now even if voted for, would that be fair? Of course not. So why would anyone vote for such a proposition?

Would it not only be because these voters have as yet no understanding of the responsibility of their vote? No experience of the wider workings of civilization, of the Greater World, of... Society? No ambition beyond their own immediate domestic sphere, their own home?

And am I not now describing a woman?

I say to you that women should not be allowed the vote until it is clear that they know what to do with it. Now you may find me terribly patronizing for arguing as I do… a silly fool, an overbearing jackass. But I would ask you… indeed I would beg you ladies… beg you to consider how far, far more overbearing a tyrant you could face if the job of electing him was suddenly given to those who, by your own argument, have never known freedom. Once you are free, then you can vote. That must be the rule. We have all had too strong a taste of the terror and chaos wrought by any other argument. Though your intentions are good, the road to Hell is - as we know - paved with good intentions, and there is driving these protests something sinister that you might not yet see. But I can. As a Liberal I refuse to believe that any civilization can be made healthier letting its course be decided by those who plant bombs, attack the police, and throw themselves under horses. And I see no reason to think that future generations of women, with clearer heads, might disagree.

Thank you for listening.

Basically last weekend

The second brief was, well... "Second character is a little more tricky. He is an early ‘90s ‘New Man’ type, bit tree hugger-ish, bit trustafarian, who works for Amnesty, but we don't want to take the piss out of him (!). His angle is that although women in our country by then are relatively free and equal, around the world, many are still enslaved, (bearing in mind that the audience are 10 +  and most likely there will be younger ones)." So... something simple and vague but heartfelt and from the nineties. I decided to make him a performance poet, and wrote this to cleanse the pallet:

The first International Women’s Day

Was observed in Russia in 1913,

By textile workers. And who could have foreseen

The revolution set rolling: The Vote, Equal Pay,

And what were their weapons?  Ideas.

Not violence.

And how far we’ve come thanks to those who fought

And marched and shouted and gave no thought

To the men – mainly men - who wanted them silenced.

So I’m here to say thank you but also:

Let’s listen…

For the world’s getting smaller now, but louder

And as we head towards the new millennium

Let’s celebrate all that these women have done

And say: yes, we couldn’t be prouder

But also –

No, and also–

Let’s listen…

Because there are still women now, women today

Women alive now in lands far away

Not given their say

Over how they should marry

Not given their say in the children they carry,

Or where they can move, Or what they can learn,

What jobs they can hold, what money they’ll earn.

Around the world women are still crying out

So let’s listen to their stories, join in their shout.

Listen to the world, add our voices to theirs

To the women of the world, not just thoughts and prayers

But – Yes, thoughts and prayers - 

But also arms! Mouths! Ears!

Demonstrate! Remonstrate! Until the whole world hears:

It’s International Women’s Day

Every Day!

Every Day!

International Women’s Day

Until every woman is given a say!

There are still ideas out there that still need defeating

So the message of this movement still bears repeating:

It’s International Women’s Day

Every Day!

Every Day!

International Women’s Day

Until every woman is given a say!

Until all of the planet’s saying “Nowhere to hide!

All those who oppress, it’s the end of the ride!”

And a better world’s waiting if we listen to this one

Already made better by what women have done.

 

Angels

 Thanks to Beccy and Georgia for inviting me aboard, and to Jo "Annie" Bowis (left) and Grace Brightwell for letting me tear down their posters and chase them round the Millennium Cauldron. Here's Al Jazeera:

 
P.S. I'd forgotten that I found this while staying at my parents' over Christmas: "Pank-A-Squith", the contemporaneous Suffragette Board Game!