EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 32: Where Pounds Won't Go!

"Pound as in the pounding of these zammoths' feet?"

"What zammoths? The ones to our right?"

"The ones I'm pointing at. Well, yeah, those ones, okay. God. So I wasn't exactly pointing at them. But yeah. God."

"No. Pounds as in insert-national-currency-here. The future has no regulated currency."

"Oh, and air?"

"No. And no zammoths. They're hallucinations. This planet's atmosphere is too thin. We're dying of radiation sickness."

"Speak for yourself. My body's packing in because it doesn't know how to function on a planet that has only a third of Earth's gravity. Hey, where are those guys going?" 

"I can't see what you're pointing at."

"Forget it... Where are we again?"

"Fucking everywhere, apparently."

 

 Illustration by nobody.

Sometimes this blog will just be "Venice In Peril"

 Another canal. Maybe you can imagine how much Angus McKie's artwork for Rondò Veniziano's 1983 album "Venice In Peril" blew the mind of a young boy rifling through records in WHSmith, although I didn't know it was called that back then, and having my mind blown by album art was literally the only reason I rifled through records in WHSmith in the eighties. Click to enlage if you like, but don't blame me if you never come back, and here's another.

 

 I've just started watching Dennis Potter's Casanova: its scenes of an imprisoned writer suffering pornographic flashbacks and raging against his cellmates are very reminiscent of The Singing Detective, but its sumptious and creepy Venetian exteriors are giving me welcome flashbacks of my own, specifically to how powerful a role some idea of this city played in my childhood imagination. The mad cover art on a Rondò Veniziano record is probably what started it.

 A decade after "Venice In Peril" was released I would have my first ever pizza (I was scared of cheese) and, as I've written before, I chose a Veniziana because for every one ordered Pizza Express would pay "a discretionary 25p" to the "Venice In Peril fund" and I still hadn't been. In the end Venice did not disappoint, but that discretionary 25p would never change in value over the next three decades of my ordering Venizianas. Then, last weekend, I went to the Pizza Express in Paddington basin and found out it was no longer on the menu. I asked why. Apparently Pizza Express no longer has the necesary sultanas. I blame Brexit. How are we going to pay for that spaceship now?

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 31

 

 It was in those small hours, the sleepless hours, tending the Sentient Wurtlizter Node long beyond her command, that Zimogen Fingertickler could feel her late husband by her side, or possibly just the ghost of someone dressed as her late husband, he was tickling her finger whoever he was. 

From "Solaris Number Two!"

Illustrator unknown 

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 30 – The Ambassadors

 

 "Stop it!"

 "Zztopit!"

 "Stop copying-!"

 "ZZtopcopying-!"

 "I mean it!"

 "Muh muh muh!"

 "Seriously I'm going to break your-!"

 "ZZeriouzzlyI'mgoingtobreakyour-!"

 

Illustration by Michael Whelan

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 29

 "Tell me... Zenneth, was it? We mut do something about that name... Do you like my Mister Blisters? I've just had them fitted. I know blister mist is not to everyone's taste – Hush! – Ignore Nillson and Bucky, they're just muscle..."

 

From "Bucky Saves the Day!"

Illustration by Jim Burns

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 28: PLACEHOLDER

 

 "Actually no, we keep the lid open, so it can breathe."

 "Oh, I see. Is the screen on an arm then?"

 "The whole crib's on an arm."

 "Yes. That arm, is it quite complicated to adjust?" 

 "Why would people want to adjust it?"

 "But it is adjustable?"

 "This is the luxury model."

 "Have you lined it with animal hide?"

 "Fur. Exactly."

 "Shouldn't the fur be on the outside?"

 "IT IS!"

From "How It's Made: Stewart Lee"

Illustration by Don Maitz

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 27: MARVEL CLASSICS EDITION!

 Not every power would be relevant to every challenge. Reed understood this even if Sue didn't. Still, he was glad he'd brought the ropes along. It was nice to have something to do...

 A classic Jack Kirby cover – which my friend Alex Fitch got Stan Lee to sign for my birthday! – and which, decades earlier, I ripped off, from memory – (I hadn't noticed the other eye) – for the front of a Conan spoof I then never got round to drawing.

 

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 26

 

 The overture began. Dimly, but that's what the volume knob was for, or whatever it was one had now to root around for with a cotton bud in place of a volume knob. It didn't really matter who was broadcasting, or why. It never had mattered, which had been part of the problem, but true nonetheless. There were no wings to wait in as such now, but the stool and dresser provided a suggestion of "backstage", and the teetering remains of the unpowered servers enough cover for these few last-minute rituals. Or, at least, what she hoped would become rituals - everyone has to start somewhere... Was that the end of the overture? That was the end. Cyber Security Unit 14-R rose without a squeak and, almost floating, joined her new colleagues. And the ballet began.

 

 

 

From "Cyber Security Unit 14-R's Soft Reboot". Illustration by Mel Hunter.

Robot Ballet by Oskar Schlemmer.

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 25: Arena Of Decisions

 

 "Behind one door..." 

 Their patience was wearing thin. Zoger had to choose. He could hear the mockery of the arena through the plasti-hull. But the umpire had checked; there was nothing in the rulebook against climbing insider a "view-loosener" (as Zoger had termed his new conveyance). 

 Lady... 

 Or tiger... 

 Zoger checked the screens again. The readouts were clear enough. 

 Or were they? Was that a scar? Were those supposed to be tits? And even if he could decipher what he saw, was he certain which screen related to which door? The lights along the top had thrown him.:White... Red... White... White... White... Did that mean something? How to tell what was behind the doors? How? The panic rose in Zoger's chest as he began to wonder if it might have been a better idea to put the window at the front. 

Illustration by Ed Emshwiller

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 24

 "Well, we went for a walk."

"Yep."
 "And now we're back."

"Yep."
 "And we're on Mars."

"Mm."
 "So this is Mars."

"So shall we go back into our home?"
 "Then we can take our helmets off."
"I mean, sure."

 "Mars though!"

From "Boring Space Aventures"
Again, a post that was hanging around on the reserve benches for months, and never meant to be remotely relevant. I bet those bubbles smell horrible.

 Illustration by Chesley Bonestell

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 23 (with musical guest Howard Jones!)

 Each of them held a clicker. They could count down from nine thousand in perfect unison without looking, but they liked the noise the clickers made. "Fiiiive." Click. Entirely still, their green eyes fixed on the stripey horizon. Countdown nearly done. "Fooooour". Click. No horizons more stripey than the unmatched horizons of Zuu-cakeymoon. No plains more bare. "Threee." Louder now their high voices. Click. "TWOOOO!" No matter how much they puffed out their chests, their voices were just high. Click! "ONE!" Click! And as one, they turned clockwise: "COOOOOOMINNNNNG! READY OR N-...... Tt."

Illustration by Bruce Pennington.

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 22 - The Sights

 "Well I don't know what we were expecting to see..." muttered Zorian.
 "You - You guys didn't think that was wild?! I thought you'd really dig - No, uh, no problem, there's other sights!" But Plok could see his fare slipping away...
 "SO SHOULD I SEE SOMEONE ABOUT THIS THEN OR > BWAAAP > WAIT, ARE NONE OF YOU DOCTORS?..."

Ilustration by Ed Valigursky.

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 21

"I find it so much harder to tell when it's night since we moved to space," said Zarissa.
"We're fine for time, darling," said Zodney. "Can you go out and get the wreath?"
Far above them Sirius did whatever the past tense of glint was.
Glunt?

Illustration by Anon.

 

(Apologies for the absence, readers! Details if not explanations to follow. Hope everyone got what they wanted in the meantime. Big love.)

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 20

At first he could only make out lights, the lights and the glass in front of him. The glass was a relief, it meant he was safe.
Safest of all.
But the lights were too close to be... headlights? It was then he realised he was indoors. And on his back.
Numan looked down. 

The tall, pale figure at the foot of his hyperbaric gland-cradle spoke: "Mister Human? I am Doctor Pornweasel. Fneet. Don't make any sudden movements, I'm afraid you've had quite the accident."
Numan was too thrown to correct the stranger. Accident? "The arrows are pointing," he found himself murmur, his attention turned to the upper screen. "I can point too... Doo doo, safest of all, doo doo. Sorry." The feeling of sedation was neither new nor unpleasant to him. "Accident?"
"A car accident. You survived it pretty well for a man from your century, but there will be questions."
"Doo doo, lock all my doors, doo - It's the only way to live in... Questions?"
"Procedural questions," Doctor Pornweasel explained. "Just to check you weren't on your communicator ring at the time of the accident, or driving with your lights on during the day. The usual."
Numan considered this and gave a little cough...

"Here in my car, I feel safest of all, doo doo. Cough."

"Fneet. I'll let you rest." 

Doctor Pornweasel briefly opened his danger robe, then left.

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 19

 

    Zuniform's heavier gravity was already beginning to take a toll on what Captain Corny still insisted on calling his "junk".
    "If I can just rest my junk on that rock yonder," he said aloud for some reason, "that'd free up my good hand. Who knows how many hands I'm gonna need free on Zuniform!"
    "Your helmet."
    "What?" Corny immediately turned, drawing his Shrill Ray from its sling... "A mirror!"
    "What mirror?" said the voice "You must remove your helmet. Please listen. It is too heavy for your brain."
    "By the three moons, my own reflection! Talking back to me!"
    "No." His reflection sounded tired. "I am not... Please, just take off your helmet. It serves no purpose and is making you stupid."
     "But the rock I'm resting my junk on. It's not showing up. Is that..."
     "Traveler, please..."
     "A vampire rock?!" 
     The Zuniformian Cleft-Wraith hung its head. Captain Corny did the same. Noticing this the Cleft-Wraith began to mime removing a helmet.  
     It worked.  
     His helmet off, Captain Corny waited to see what he would do next. 
     It was sigh.

Illustration

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 18

 "No, Z'dan, my left! MY LEFT!"

from They Still Weren't Very Good At Rescuing

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 17

Zwareth turned to behold the most hideous creature he had ever laid eyes on...

 

His mind raced: How had it got here?... What did it want with him?... What were those hideous glistening things at the end of its legs? Some form of cover?.. And where... Dear God!... Where were its wings and tail?!!!

"Zwareth?"

"Huh?"

"Your mandibles were moving. Are you talking to yourself?"  

"Oh - No. No. Nothing, my nectar. Just thinking."

Zwareth would have to watch himself. It would do no good for Zwarina to suspect... What? What had he done wrong? Nothing. So he'd seen the vide-saga before. No reason she had to know!

"Zwareth, you're doing it again."

"What?"

"Muttering. What's on your mind, pupa?"

"Nothing."

Boots the glistening things were called. Hideous. So hideous. And the creature's chest. Too broad. Far too broad. It didn't even have wings, why did it need such a large chest?! No matter how often Zwareth had watched this clip, it still all seemed so unnatural. Why was it so smooth? And those trousers!

"Zwareth. What?"

"Am I doing it again? "

Zwarina's tentacles loosened.

"We don't have to watch this."

"No. No no. I'm enjoying it. But I mean... Whatever you want, my nectar."

"Okay. Well... I might open another bottle."

"Not for me, thanks. But sure."

Zwarina paused the vide-saga and hovered over to the drinks cleft. Zwareth considered humming, but then decided remaining silent and stock still until his wife's return might better convey the impression of contentment.

Hideous...

Illustration by Rowena Morrill

PARTY RESPONSIBLY.

 

A very happy Year Twenty-sixteen from Exciting Space Adventures!

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 16

"Bwaap! Okay! Nothing to see here! Move along. No, I don't want to hear it. You don't have to go home but you're not staying here. Move along now, apes. Shoo! Beep! (They were they wearing those before, right?) Bwaap!"

 

Source

(In other news, it looks like my psychedelic sci-fi slacker radio romantic comedy epic "Time Spanner" might actually be getting a pilot! And I hear this the very same day Star Wars opens and Peep Show ends? Coincidence?!?!?! #wheelswithinwheels #openyoureyessheeple)

EXCITING SPACE ADVENTURE 15

"Oh they go there, do they?"
"Waggee, look -"
"No!" Waggee butted in, "I understand your 'thing' with clothes, Zip. You like wearing clothes, I've accepted that. Which is precisely why I put the hook up... WHO THE FRARK IS SHE?!"

From "Zip Startrousers Swipes Right"

 Actual illustration by Tom Kidd