London on Late Night

 Tottenham Court Road's east side is now completely unblocked. They've finished the outside of whatever that is. This was last Friday.

 My straight line's walk continued through Trafalgar Square, and past Parliament. There weren't many people around; there were possibly more police, but dotted around in twos and threes.

 What the outside's currently meant to look like feels unsettled. In a ground floor window in Pimlico, I noticed a naked couple enjoying their heating, I suppose, just pottering. Not these windows. Older windows. 

 

 I realised at this point I hadn't seen Vauxhall in over a year, so turned back and crossed the bridge. Vauxhall was looking a lot more finished now than it had in 2018, when I had the heroes of Time Spanner brought here at gunpoint.

 

 Of course it was. However, 2020's emptier streets, and clashes between police and the bone-stupid private militia of a reality TV star, might have made now an even better setting.

 

 Or whatever year this is. It's impossible to photograph the moon with a phone, isn't it? 

 

 I didn't take many pictures of the waterfront. The finished flats were almost entirely glass, and while it didn't seem impermissable to photograph their interiors, and nobody inside was naked, it still felt a bit like a mistake. Maybe I just wanted to photograph stillness.

 This flag was a nightmare. How has anyone ever photographed a flag?

 

 I'd known they were going to build an American Embassy in Vauxhall ever since David Byrne posted something about it in 2006 or so, on a blog that's now impossible to find. He'd expressed pertinent concern at the growing demand for castles, and queried its need for a moat.

 

 It's a post that's stayed with me, but this was actually my first visit. The embassy had quite a bubbly, Barbarella-ish approachability up close, for a fortress. In Los Angeles, it was now coming up to one o'clock in the afternoon. I was aware of this because one of my favourite people in the world would be preparing her first ever appearance on "The Tonight Show".

 

 I sent her wind-chapped salutations from the base of a building we'd pretended to escape three years ago – oh yeah, we still totally text – and returned home via the south bank. As two girls overtook me on roller blades, keeping warm somehow, and bearing music too mellow to blare, I thought how alright all this was, and how much it resembled a 2021 I might have looked forward to long ago. I wouldn't be wearing a parka though. I'd be in a long woolen coat or something. Maybe I should buy a long woolen coat. 

 Here's London Hughes in Los Angeles on Late Night.

To all who come to this happy Round: welcome!

 They are the best of places. They are the worst of places. They are the realistion of dreams. They are the stuff of nightmares. They are really good. They are really not. They are theme parks, and I love them, so here's the theme-park-themed round I prepared for last night's zoom quiz. Oh, we shared some beautiful stories last night, we London Dungeon veterans... looking for cats, identifying pirates, trying to remember how many films from the nineties Gary Oldman had exploded in... Kevin had just got an article into "Film Stories", about seeing Bad Boys in the cinema when he was fourteen. Peter had got one in print!... We got drunk. It got late. It was great. Answers as ever will be posted in the comments.

 

 1. 

Here's Vice President Richard Nixon at the opening of the very first Disneyland in 1955. But which of the following attractions was the only one there from the beginning?

 a) The Jungle Cruise?

 b) The Pirates of the Caribbean?

 c) The Haunted Mansion?

 

 

2. Arrange these skins in chronological order, earliest to latest:

 

  

 a)

 

 

 b)

 

 

 c)

                                                                                                                               

 

 3.

 

  Which of the following phrases was NOT used to describe a rollercoaster before the invention of the word "rollercoaster"?

 a) Pretzel Ride?

 b) Hooligan Slide?

 c) Flip Flap Railway?

 4.

 

 Nicknamed the "Electric Eden", Luna Park opened on Coney Island in 1903. Which of the following attractions did it NOT boast?

 a) "A Trip to the Moon", in which patrons boarded an airship suspended from cables, and were taken to a cave where costumed "Selenites" would try to sell them green cheese.

 b) "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea", in which patrons would board a submarine and experience a simulated trip to the North Pole, using refridgeration eqipment, and three miles of spooling canvas.

 c) "The Time Horse", in which couples enjoyed naughtily gripping onto each other, astride a fake horse on a steeplechase through recreations of Ancient Egypt, Jungle Temples, and Dinosaurs.

 

 

5.

 

 Still in Luna Park – I could have done a whole round on Luna Park, really – in this photo from 1906, you can just make out a sign boasting "INFANT INCUBATORS WITH LIVING INFANTS", but what did the building actually contain?

 a) Exactly what it says – a series of prematurely born babies in incubators?

 b) A funhouse of distorting mirrors?

 c) A variety show, very much of its time, with a cast of little people?

6. 

 

   Last question from Coney Island – these were all inspired by this jaw-dropping "Defunctland" video, by the way, which I highly recommend – What was most remarkable about the seven-storey brothel that burnt down in 1896 (not pictured)?

 a) It was New York's first fully electrified hotel?

 b) It was the shape of a giant elephant?

 c) It had a boat ride?

 

 

 7.

 

 Where is this? 

 a) Black Gang Chine on the Isle of Wight?

 b) Answers-in-Genesis' "Ark Encounter" in Kentucky?

 c) Ho Thuy Then in Viet Nam?

8.

 Action Park, New Jersey, another great "Defunctland" video about which you can find here: Throughout the 1980's and 90's, its founder Gene Mulivihill would test the safety of his attractions by offering employees a hundred dollars to get in and just see what happened. But which of the following did NOT happen at Action Park? 

 a) A ride involving an enclosed ball covered in casters, and large enough to hold one passenger, was pushed down a PVC track which had melted, missed its mark, left the park, rolled across the freeway and landed in a swamp?

 b) The Action Park wave pool, later nicknamed the "Grave Pool", saw fifteen employees have to be rescued from drowning because of the strength of its wave machine, only to then be hospitalised for consuming human waste?

 c) Employees trying out a "loop-the-loop" waterslide emerged with torn skin as a result of the the broken teeth of previous riders which had become embedded in it?

 

 

 9. 

 

 One of the attractions planned by Michael Eisner for the opening of Disney's California Adventure in 2001 was "Superstar Limo". Originally envisioned as a high-speed chase through Hollywood, pursued by the paparazzi, the final, deeply unpopular dark ride turned out to be a much more leisurely affair. Given that there were no safety issues, however, why had Disney decided to slow down the ride? (There are not a multiple choice answers for this one, but there is another excellent "Defunctland" video.)

10.

 

 And finally: The O and T of Disney's Florida attraction, EPCOT, stand for "Of Tomorrow"? But what do the E, P and C stand for? Points will also be awarded for silliness.

 

 (And here are the image sources for the banner, and for questions 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10.)

HAIKU composed remembering the greatest disappointment encountered making comics as a child

 

Biro ink brightens.

But felt tip ink turns paler.

Why's that then, Tipp-Ex?

Cornelis Saftleven's Animal Sketches

This is called "The Vision of the Sunday Child".

 It was painted in 1660 by Cornelis Saftleven. I can't find out what a Sunday child is but that just makes me love it more.* It's not the most vivid expression of Saftleven's skill. It's quite abstract, and you're not seeing it, as I did, in the context of his other work. So here's another: a classic scene – and the measure of any great fantasy artist in the days before Hugo Gernsback – "The Temptation of Saint Anthony" (click to enlarge, IF YOU DARE):

 

  I found these paintings on the great art blog, Monster Brains. It's always throwing up goodies, but I was particularly taken by Saftleven, and wondered why I hadn't heard of him before. His wikipedia page is graced with a more mundane example of his work – "Two Musicians" – and they do look a bit like a bad copy of Rembrandt, to be honest... a bit CGI'd onto someone else's head...

 

 So maybe he just wasn't good enough at drawing people to be celebrated. But get a load of this "Allegory of Human Folly" from 1629...

 

Again, click to enlarge, well, all of these. 

 I love that the dog's made an effort. And I'm a sucker for the reframing of ritual; the improvised totem on the right is perfect. It's rare to see this delirious, medieval subject matter rendered with the photorealistic skill of a Dutch master. It makes it take on a more seriously speculative aspect. Call this human folly if you like, but there's something admirable in the fact these animals have actually managed to rustle all this up. As Bernard Black would say, you really believe monkeys can hold meetings. I began to wonder if H.G. Wells had come across Saftleven, as I was getting strong persentiments of The Island of Dr. Moreau.

 

 This is the "College of Animals", from 1665. Saftleven painted it twice.

 

 Why? I don't know. But doesn't Well's "Sayer of the Law" have the head of a ram? I looked it up, and it turns out he doesn't. That's only in the Richard Stanley version – you know the Richard Stanley version? Where Marlon Brando drove everyone mad, and insisted he always be accompanied by a two-foot-tall Dominican? And Stanley got fired as director but then went to live in the forest, and returned to the set disguised as a dog? Seek out the excellent documentary Lost Soul if you don't – but the uncanny terror of seeing animals convincingly perform human deeds, a terror that's plagued many an adaptation of Alice in Wonderland, is still just as thrilling. If Wells was inspired by these paintings to write his parable of a deranged vivisectionist, he did them justice.

 

 "Satire on the trial of Johan van Oldenbarnevelt", 1663

 

 Although Moreau never had a bash at an elephant in a hat, which is a shame. You can see more of Cornelis Saftleven showcased on Monster Brains here, and here.

 

 

Jump around! Jump around! (Quite a Saftlevenian palette to the 1977 adaptation.)

 

*UPDATE: See the comments below for an explanation.

The Light At Night Is More Polite.

 I guess this place makes sharks.

 A walk from afternoon into evening. Thirty thousand steps. I've been very good so far this week about getting up at a reasonable time, but – and I now remember feeling this the last time I kept civilized hours for no reason – I'm not sure I prefer the daylight. It's busier, for one thing. I don't just mean the world's busier. I mean that the light itself is always on the move, changing colour and throwing shadows that are never where you last saw them, like the hands of a clock. Once night falls, however, the light stays still. It just lets you get on with it, and doesn't hurry you along, at this latitude anyway. That said, if I've found I've stayed up until dawn, it does seem a shame to miss the daylight, once it's here. I want to hang around with it. But I only feel this at dawn. And it strikes me, suddenly, that this might be symbolic of something, but I can't think what. Can you get Vitamin D from satsumas?

So Many Questions about Badgerwood Park

 "Nestled in woodland, in the heart of Berkshire, is the exclusive Badgerwood Park development–"

      

 I was letting youtube run, and this ad came up, I can't remember before what, I wasn't paying attention. Not at first anyway. I had my back to it, but something made me turn, and start staring, and by "Welcome to a new way of life" at the end, I had so many questions and knew I had to watch it again. 

 Rewatching answered nothing however. Except, possibly, why I was being targeted...

 "Seventy residential park homes, for the over-45's. Picturesque scenery. Quiet and peaceful–"  

 Hey, I'm over 45! So it's not a retirement village. Or is it? What are over-45's? Why? What?

 "Badgerwoord Park is perfectly located, and has great transport links, nearby–"  

 What's this map?

 

 "Each home is unique. Made to your requirements–"  

 But who am I?

 "And don't be fooled by the quiet pace of life, as there are lots of things to see and do around Badgerwood Park."  

 Refreshments? Count me in! Look at all these... different types of lawn. Paddling pool? Children's play area. But the children aren't over 45, are they? Are these first time properties then? But there's no... Where are the... These are chalets. How can anyone...? 

 

 Okay! Sorry! 

 Sorry, what exactly is supposed to happen here? 

 Are we meant to believe that people will pull these chairs back from this table, sit on those chairs, pull them back in again and then sit next to each other, dining at this dining table? In this dining room? All I saw at first was how little elbow room there was, I hadn't even noticed the walls.

 So what is this? Who's it made for? Who made it? I mean, noone yet; I get some of this is CGI. But is this new? Or is this actually normal? Like Jersey? – And it only seems weird to me because I live in a city, and there are actually hundreds of people over 45 watching this advert and going "Brilliant, that's exactly where I want to move to and park my 4x4. I hope it has kids."

 

 

 I'm going to try to follow the progress of this development more, in a manner not dissimilar to how I've been trying to follow Lembit Öpik's space nation of Asgardia. Badgerwood Park might take Asgardia's place in my non-affections, in fact, as the latter just brought out its calender for the year 0005 which has thirteen months, all four weeks long, and I inwardly scoffed How's that going to work! before doing the maths and realising that twenty-eight times thirteen is three-hundred and sixty-four. 

 So month thirteen just needs one extra day. 

 It's actually a very good system. 

"Not as far as I am aware, at this moment in time."

Napier Barracks, Folkestone (source)

 

 "I apologise for the delay. In this. But we wanted to make sure. There have been pockets of disorder outside and I wanted to make sure that it was clear and safe for you all to leave the building. Okay? So I apologise for the delay. We will start very shortly. The officers are getting ready to let you go. If when you leave the building, you go to your left, that will be the safest exit. Okay? So thank you very much for your patience -" 

 "Is there a kettle?"

 "No, we're letting you go."

 "Excuse me. Sorry. Are there any evidence gatherers based around the corner?"

 "I haven't seen any outside."

 "Or is there any intention of perhaps holding people just to confirm identities?"

 "Er."

 "Or anything like that?"

 "Not as far as I am aware, at this moment in time."

 "Okay. I think that's my–"

 "So it's not an absolute."

 "I think– If you could find that and confirm it– Because it would make a big difference to some of the people–"

 "I'll go outside and let you know. The problem is that there's other people got control outside, and I'm the messenger."

 "I understand–"

 "So I'm trying really hard to expedite this, and get everyone outside, because I know people got homes to go to."

 "Can you review– Are you able to answer questions about the situation as people leave?"

 "Right. As people leave, they're going to be asked to go left. They're just going into– into a safe environment, cos there's a lot– There's some disorder down there–"

 "Yeah, I heard."

 "And there's some disorder down that end. So we're trying to keep it sterile, so people are safe, so they can get away to the tube stations."

 "Okay. Are they being pushed in a certain area?"

 "Who?"

 "If people leave–" 

 "If people leave, they'll be directed towards the safest–"
(A second officer: "To Green Park.") 

 "Towards Green park." 

 "Okay, so they won't be stopped on the way and–" 

 "Well hopefully they're not going to be. Hopefully, they're not going to get stopped, because that's why it's taken so long. To make sure everyone's got the right message."

 

 This transcript's been in my drafts for years. 

 It's an exchange, from a decade ago, between a police officer at the doors of Fortnum & Mason and a guy inside who wanted to leave. But they weren't being let go, it transpired, and there was indeed a kettle outside. I assume the guy asking was a protestor with UK Uncut, although there were many inside who weren't – my friend Boz, for example. As I wrote here: "Boz was there recording sound for an afternoon play for Radio 4. He was first held outside the jail, in the rain, for ten hours, because the 24 hours you're allowed to detain someone for only officially starts once they're inside. He was then put in a cell, and asked every 45 minutes if he needed anything. He would ask for a glass of water, but was never brought one. This carried on throughout the night, at regular 45 minute intervals, them asking if he wanted anything, him asking for a glass of water, meaning he was never allowed to sleep." The draft in which I'd put this transcript was headed:

 "Fascism in England Will Always Take The Form of Missed Communication."

 I wasn't sure what I wanted to say beyond that.

 But I think it's still a fair lookout, and that – I suppose this is the point I really wanted to make – those currently expressing online how baffled they are by this government's "incompetence" might want to reconsider what it thinks its job is. I made this transcription long before Boris Johnson – an anthropomorphisation of missed communication – became Prime Minister of course, but maybe he isn't being swayed by libertarians so much, as simply using their arguments to reframe his actions. And I'm not just suggesting a policy of "herd immunity" is fascism, necessarily, nor the crowding of refugees at the height of a pandemic into an army barracks slated for demolition. But maybe the word "malice" is appropriate. And malice isn't incompetence either. I think it's still a fair lookout.

         

Tomorrow: Probably more cartoons.

About Snowballs They Were Never Wrong, The Old Masters

  Last Sunday, I was wondering, while exploring South London at 2 in the morning, how I'd manage when we finally stopped having to be alone. It turns out, snow helps.

 

  I'd made the decision to head out and see what the heath looked like quite late this afternoon. There aren't many decisions one can make in a lockdown, so it's a nice feeling when you find you've made a good one.

 

 What a gift.

 

 There were kids on sleds travelling ten feet or so at the top of Parliament Hill, a woman spinning three hula hoops, and snowball fights and many dogs. I appear to have been more comfortable photographing this all from a distance though. 

 

 And it's odd how much it looks like paintings that are five-hundred years old. How well Breughel caught this. How little he left for any artist to add.

 

 The entertainment's pretty much the same, I suppose, and the ice on the path just as perilous. Once the snow falls, we're as unavoidably present in our surroundings as we were half a millenium ago. We're them. Analogous.

 

 That's probably why Syd Mead never drew a snowscape, so far as I know. It's hard to make snow look futuristic.

  There are no hula hoops in Brueghel though, are there? Or snowmen, now I think of it. I wonder when they became a thing – I'll look it up. 

 

 Oh. Much earlier than I expected! Okay, maybe there are snowmen in Brueghel.

 

 Heading back, I came across a whole valley of snowpeople. Some fallen. Some ten feet tall.

 I asked this guy permission to take a photograph of his, before I knew I'd see so many over the hill. He was approachable.

 And I think his friend might have instintictively said "Happy Birthday" as I walked off, by mistake, here being no name for what today was. 

 

 Just an understanding it should be celebrated.