Dream City Catch Up

 Grey skies as I write this. Finally. The kind of darkness visible that turns all light golden. Here are a couple of frames from Ian Hubert's Dynamo Dream. 

 I've saved this post for a rainy day. Two years ago I shared Hubert's glorious, minute-long tutorials in how to conjure a city out of nothing, but this is the proper fruit of his time and talents. In the year since Episode One : Salad Mug went out, television shows with bottomless pockets like The Sandman, Foundation and Rings of Power have produced similarly breath-taking scenery for characters to stand around and talk slowly in – and maybe in another year it will seem quaint I was so blown away by this – but I don't think any of the big shows has yet managed to match for imagination, care, or life, the twenty-one and a half minutes of this solo passion project. Isn't it amazing what they can do these days? Hasn't it always has been? That's also part of the thrill of it. Put this on the biggest screen you've got.

 

Doctor Gustaf Zander's Please-don't-use-this Machines

 

 

 That's the thing about innovation though, it's gauche, isn't it? Necessarily inexperienced. Don't let those Apple launches fool you. Take the very first specialised gymnastic equipment from Gustaf Zander's Mechanico-Therapeutic Institute in Stockholm, or rather, more entertainingly, take its models.

 The kit itself looks gorgeous. And it worked. Initially funded by Sweden's nineteenth-century welfare state, with the aim of maintaining the health of its sedentary office workers, these "mechanotherapy" machines worked so well they eventually becoming the sole prerserve of private white-collar health spas either side of the Atlantic, as well as the subject of the 1892 catalogue from which these photographs are taken. More images and information to be found in the brilliant Public Domain Review here. 

 I don't think I'd mind being a nineteenth-century catalogue model, specifically this guy with the beard.

 

 

 

That's quite a work out. 

 Of course this all very much reminds me of Bleak Expectations, the motions of which I still go through daily as my own Victorian workout – lines bellowed, fingers itched, silhouettes thrown –  so here's a prop from that beautiful show (I don't know who of our impeccably behaved stage management team was responsible, but Natalia Kheldouni, Alastair Day and Alice Reddick are each in their own way almost as cool as actors, and to be celebrated):

 

How's Living In Space Looking? A Timeline of Asgardia's First Ever Live Q&A

 

 Seguéing from Stooky Bill to Lembit Öpik is a cheap shot I know, but the Space Nation of Asgardia broadcast its first ever Live Weekly Q&A with the Chairman of Parliament over a month ago now, and I've been meaning to record minutes of it on here ever since. The questions potentially raised about the founding of an international space community may be more pertinent now than ever. Also, today is the founder's birthday! Happy Birthday Dr. Igor! Also I've been bingeing For All Mankind (and I've been trying to binge Foundation, but there are so many space guns!) So let's go...

 

 

 

 00:00 – Live stream countdown starts.

 10:04 – We begin not with the Q&A but an absolutely must-see promotional film. If you don't already know what Asgardia is this might not be the best introduction, so just to bring newcomers up to speed...

 

 As first explained back in this post, the "dream driven space nation" is currently just a memory stick with its own national anthem, orbiting the Earth, whose "Head of Nation" and "Chairman of Parliament" – former missile tycoon Doctor Igor Ashurbeyli, and former Liberal Democrat MP and Cheeky Girl consort Lembit Öpik – are now keen to organize, among other things, the first ever child born in zero gravity.

 

 Obviously this enterprise raises some interesting questions, such as what might drive this new nation's economy? Well we now have an answer: Franchising! Really, the promo is quite something.

 

 Now let's meet Opik...

12:04 - Q&A with the Chairman of Parliament begins! There's no sound. However it's hard to tell if anyone knows this. There's also no Chairman of Parliament.

 

None of these people is Lembit Opik.

13:39 – We have sound! But still no Chairman. It's not really clear if it's started. Some people are still trying to find the link. 

15:29 – This flashes up for a second some reason:

 

... Which is fun.

 15:30 – "Who's going to start the meeting?" Still no Chairman. Maybe Lembit missed the new time. There are Asgardians all around the world and it must be genuinely hard to arrange a globally convenient window: "This hour is not popular for many others." (By the way, despite it seeming to be the first language of absolutely noone pesent, everyone is speaking English which is really appreciated.) Is it possible to contact Mr. Lembit? "A warning, maybe?"

16:21 – "Don't worry. We're going to send the security people to go and get him. Give me a minute," jokes an unseen "Aida M." It's all very good humoured. I don't wish to misrepresent this. Asgardian Mayoral candidate Ferda Inan suggests that migh have been an Agents of Shield reference, possibly for the record. More logging on. Everyone starts comparing their climates.

18:36 – Clearly unable to conact Lembit, the Chair of the Executive Committee Salvos Mouzakitis logs back on to get the ball rolling. (I've no idea what all these titles mean.) SESSION BEGINS! 

 

 Salvos really seems to know what he's talking about, so this all gets a bit harder to follow, but here are the topics covered:

18:45 – A hundred and forty four amendments to the Asgardian Constitution have been proposed at a recent summit of the "Supreme Space Council". No amendment was rejected on the grounds of not being liked it, only if it were deemed "non-constitutional". Salvos praises the professional focus of the four members of the Supreme Space Council who turned up – ("I didn't expect it, to be honest") – but he doesn't have the results of their vote because he's on holiday.

23:24 – There is to be a meeting of the Asgardian Legislative Forum on the twenty sixth. Salvos will attempt to participate again, at least in part, but he is still meant to be out of office, and is really beginning to piss off his wife. "I am in danger, real danger that my wife will divorce me," and his wife is a lawyer. Among topics up for discussion at the forum will be the decentralisation of Asgardia, as the franchising plan has hit a snag it seems: Apparently China is turning out knock-offs.
25:00 – That's really all Salvos can bring to the table right now, as Lembit still hasn't shown up and he hadn't prepared to chair this meeting, so the floor is given to Ferda Inan.

 

 25:28 – Ferda was hoping for more gossip. Salvos says he wants to wait for Lembit. Ferda has no more questions and returns the floor to Salvos. "Thank you." 

 

 26:29 – Chair of the Foreign Affairs Committee Seref Kaplan has a question: Can we have subtitles? Salvos segues onto the topic of the translations, in particular the – understandably stretched – but sloppy translations being provided in the lead up to Asgardia's forthcoming constitutional elections. To further complicate matters, mistakes have been spotted in the English originals, "Head of Government" and "Head of Nation" being used interchangeably, for example, when these are entirely separate pillars of Asgardian Government, and differentiating between them will prove vital if the Asgardian electorate is to determine what either of them eventually mean. 

An announcement is expected from Lembit when the first Asgardian books are to be appear.

A succesful Persian translation of the Asgardian consitution has now been completed by "Navid". 

 31:08 – Tax law. Salvos is personally not in favour of Asgardian taxes as Asgardians aleady pay taxes in their native countries (and presumably because Asgardia doesn't actually do anything yet – also isn't there a joining fee?) If there are to be taxes however, Salvos prefers taxing gross profit rover net because it's less work. 

33:43 – Once Asgardia leaves zoom and physical sittings resume, "Fernando" has proposed rotating the countries in which these take place. Salvos loves travelling, but of course there are visa considerations and also not everyone can afford it. Basic stuff, cooly considered.

35:20 – Fernando has also suggested the Asgardian website could be improved.

36:20 – MP Bridget. She proposes Canada for a physical sitting: "They tend to have much lower standards from what I'm aware of as far as entry into their nation." I'm guessing Bridget's from America, although from my own personal gap year experiences I can tell you she's not wrong.

She also suggests free language classes as a perk for Asgardian residents. Apparently there are plans afoot for an official Asgardian Academy. 

39:22 – Seref has the floor again. He has uploaded a Turkish translation of the constitution to the website, but just wants everyone to know it's not a translation of the most recent version. Seref is very on board with Bridget's free langauage class idea. They could might a real draw. Or even just a separate enterprise, open to non-residents. He also proposes Turkey for the physical sittings, especially if it's off season.

44:45 – Salvos expresses doubts about how easy it will be to get a lecturer to give regular language classes for free, but would love to go to Istanbul.

47:33 – Ferda again. Apparently nobody should worry about how the Academy will be funded, and volunteers are welcome to upload educational videos to it. Salvos suggests preparing a promotional intro: "Make it nice." (Was Ferda behind the Asgardian promo?) Ferda: "Done already." Salvos: "Really? Great!" Ferda: "Why not?" I couldn't hear the topic chosen for the Academy's first lecture. Visas? 

 

 

 

50:35 – Aida M has the floor: Not all countries have the internet. Could these classes be put onto a video or CD and posted out? Also not all countries speak English. Also either you've got to pay people or not. Also Aida has been asking for a while for sign language translations.

53:26 – Aida still has the floor but this has flashed up for a couple of seconds:

 

Some absolute crackers there.

53:50 – Salvos supports Aida's proposal and recognises how vital accessibility must be for the Asgardian project to succeed. However, he points out there are as many different sign langauges as there are spoken languages. "That's going to be a problem."

56:15 – Ferda says that sign languages aren't actually too varied. It's more like an accent thing.

58:30 – Aida says you have to start somewhere. There seems a general consensus then that "English" sign language will be something to look at. (The inverted commas are my own because I'm not sure British and American Sign languages are the same.) Salvos will bring this up with Lembit.

59:40 – Apparently there's a lot of talk happening in the chat about going to Canada. Salvos does not necessarily support it. I get the impression he's spent quite a lot more time on here than he meant to. Session ends. "Adios, amigos." 

 Lembit remained a no show, but two days later recorded the video at the top of this post.

When I Googled Stooky Bill

 

 Probably not the original Stooky Bill

 Yeah, I'm not sure sticking that disclaimer up is... Anyway, here – probably – is sculptor and video artist David Hall making a light meal of the fact that the first ever subject to be televised was a puppet. I read somewhere that teething problems meant John Logie Baird's pioneering televisor had required more light than the human epidermis could withstand, but I can't now find where, and the wikipedia entry for "Stooky Bill" only says that human faces had "inadequate contrast" and a puppet would show up better, so maybe it's not true.

 

 

Also probably not the original Stooky Bill (source)

 

 It does sound like an odd reason for using a puppet. And I know the original performers for The Man With the Flower in His Mouth whitened their faces and gave themselves blue lips (although I can't now find where I read that either *UPDATE: it was here.*) Anyway, I learnt of the thrillingly Smirhesesque existence of Stooky Bill yesterday when I decided to do a little more research into television's origins, and then realised he'd actually appeared on this blog before, back in January of 2020. Here's another picture of him alongside a second puppet called simply "James". (That's certainly a lot of lightbulbs.)

 

The original Stoooky Bill. Don't know which one's him though.

 

  And it was in researching Stooky Bill I then learnt of the existence of David Hall, whom I'm only assuming produced the uncredited or miscredited video above from a mention of something very similar on his site here. Hall made a number of similar "TV interruptions" for MTV in the nineties, and earlier, for Scottish Television, back in the seventies. Here's one of those:

 

 I enjoy the brattiness of having the water drain at an angle – Sorry, SPOILERS! This was decades before the tyranny of choice, of course, when television was just something you had on, and if broadcasters decided they were going to take four minutes out to pretend your television was filling up with water, that's what you'd get. I suppose this country never produced an Andy Kaufman because it never needed one. 

 Here's a lovely little film of Hall at work, the kind of work the tag "thinginess" was created for...

 

 

"We've seen you this morning putting grass in what looks like a fish tank."

Of Course, the Very First British TV Drama Was Filmed in Total Darkness.

 Almost as surprisingly, it was filmed in portrait mode. 

 A single camera/projector shot a pinwheel of light at the subject, and changes of angle were achieved by raising a chequered card behind which actors had to feel their way around with the lights off, using only the panel below for guidance.

 

 "These used to light up as required."

 

 Accompanying music and sound effects were, as far as I can work out, provided by a mixture of pre-recorded 77's and, if you count a second's worth of chimes played out on the guts of a musical top by producer Lance Sieveking, live performance.

 

"This is my signature tune."

 

 And here's Lance with the rest of the original team extant behind that 1930 drama, The Man With the Flower in His Mouth – an adaptation of a short play by Pirandello about oral herpes – recreating their original publicity shot for a recreation broadcast forty years later.

 

 That's "special effects man" George Inns on the far left with his checquered card, and on the far right Mary Eversley the prompter, holding a script, so I guess there must have been some light to see by after all, although probably not as much as in the 1970 reconstruction below from which these images are all taken.

 

 

 I did not know neon was pink.

 I really recommend subscribing to that BBC Archive channnel. I couldn't find a recording of the 1930 original, but given that the means of both recording and broadcasting it were entirely analogue that's not surprising. I did however find another very convincing, fuller restaging made by Granada Television in 1968 made by Radio Rentals for the Ideal Home Exhibition in 1967, so here's that too. It's horrible. What were they thinking?

 

EastEnders Omnibus

Form.

 

 I didn't know when I self-taped that I was auditioning for a "bumbling lawyer". I just thought Russell would be one of those bad-news-delivering authority interfaces necessary to a continuing drama who might not even get a medium shot because it was all about the reactions. I didn't know to whom he'd be giving this bad news either as the names were changed in the audition script to keep storylines confidential, and I definitely didn't know there'd be a second scene in which Russell would be stripped to his shivering essence in the purifying fire of a face-off with Danny Dyer!

 But behold a bit:

 

 So no, I knew little about the brief if you'll pardon the pun, but I normally send in two takes on a self-tape: one high-status, one low-status (or if the character's status is unambiguous, one slow, one fast, or if the status and pace are both unambiguous... I don't know... one subtle and one stupid) and the low status take turned out to be exactly what EastEnders director Jamie Annett was in the mood for. I've also started to get castings for "William H. Macy" types.

 

 The costume department phoned ahead to ask me if I had a rumpled pinstripe suit to bring to set, but everything I showed them was too shipwrecky, even for Russell. What the director had liked about my tape he said, is that it had suggested a man who nearly gets away with being shit. Which actor hasn't dreamt of hearing that? Jamie also liked that I lived above a pub.

 

 "Russell's not a shit lawyer," he clarified on the hoof as the morning we were given to film both scenes powered along, "He's just shit in court," which is was why he was being so spineless, and why suddenly having to consider the innocence of his client paralysed him. "Yeah, I can see him being a recurring character definitely, the bumbling lawyer" said my new friend Danny Dyer.

 

 Maybe there'd be a spin-off. Hustle Like Russell. "You'd find him in the pub at two in the afternoon," Jamie also ventured, not a direction necessarily, just riffing now on what he was witnessing. I can't imagine being more supported on a set. And look at all this lovely business I was given...

 

  Hankie. Paperwork. Big old briefcase. To say nothing of the bag of crisps Jamie instructed me to take out to get to the paperwork – Walford's own brand, by the way, "Wells Crisps", imaginary packaging – I didn't take the placebo painkillers in the end because I thought Russell might at least have had the nouse to take his pills before showing up, but they were there in the bag if I changed my mind. Am I adequately conveying how much of a dream this job was?

 

To be on that stage in Elstree with people turning out four episodes a week, and to see the three of them working together among all the other work going on – Jamie, Danny, and Kellie Bright – without a quantum of ego between them. Just courtesy, art, and a trouble-shooting focus. For example: "Now, this line.."

 

 "I mean-! I'll just say... Do ya though?" Harold Pinter's favourite actor was right. My line says what his line said. Subtext is pleasure, to quote Matt Weiner. The scene was better.

 Another example: Despite having prepped like hell, I didn't know what would be going on in other episodes, and so hadn't clocked quite a big change to our first scene since the audition. Originally I delivered some good news (the police have dropped the charges) then some bad news (this doesn't mean Linda automatically gets her daughter back), but in the rewrite Mick and Linda already knew the good news and so as Kellie who plays Linda pointed out, the bad news wasn't news any more, and the scene as I had been playing it no longer made sense. It needed a new shape. I stopped playing my lines as someone painstakingly explaining something therefore, and started playing them as someone making excuses, desperate to leave, and suddenly it felt right, and we played what I think are two really great scenes, and there were three cameras recording it, and it went out on national television, and I'm still new enough to this medium to find all of that amazing.

 

 Have I mentioned I'm in EastEnders then? I appear about halfway into episode six-thousand-five-hundred-and-fifty-eight, immediately after the appearance of Alicia McKenzie from the production of Bleak Expectations I was in over Summer, which was a great surprise, playing Debs – I love how we all get names – and pulling the only face anyone should pull when dealing with Janine.

 

  Oh yes, I'm a fan now. Watch the whole thing HERE.

Sometimes this blog will just be Tinsel and Custard

 

 

 Is there a word for the opposite of nostalgia? For the unhousingly alien disclosure of things past you'd forgotten you'd even tried to forget? Quentin Smirhes' innovations in this nameless, benighted field continue to go from strength to hideous strength. The botched Schools and Colleges module "Dont You Start" (beginning three and half minutes in) might be the QTV team's most ambitious bit of salvaging yet, but grisly as you might find it, it's angora wool compared to the botched experiments in A.I. Quentin now broadcasts over on instagram. Go and browse and dredge, for they are works of genius, and you will not come back unchanged.

Pink Slip

  Happy first birthday to Pretend Freinds, Chloé Doherty's cavalcade of newly redundant imaginary friends, which went up on youtube a year ago today! Enjoy me yet again snivelling in a bad suit, and enjoy the toy-spangled couture of Anne-Sophie Cochevelou sported by a host of resting Crystal Maze Masters. I already explained why I have cars stuck in my ears back when we shot this in March 2021, so I can't imagine you'll have any further questions.

  Since this film was shot the vaccine rolled out of course, and the Crystal Maze reopened; however, our pay was now cut. But then raised. But then cut again. And when I emailed a strongly worded complaint (hate's a strong word, right?) to our brilliant and stretched Head of Actors I accidentally hit "reply all", the email went to those hated higher-ups, and that was me out of a job as well. Losing a job's horrible, isn't it? I never had imaginary friends as a child. I miss those guys. 

 Also since this film was shot, Anne-Sophie Cochevelou has found something to do with all those old lateral flow tests...

 

 

 

All photos by Anthony Lycett.

Lucy McCormick Draws a Spider Diagram

  So. In other business this week, I'm lucky enough to have been invited by old London Dungeon cohort Lucy McCormick to come on board with the excellent Hannah Maxwell (also pictured) as "actual actors" (Lucy calls us this despite being on a break from playing Cathy in an international tour of "Wuthering Heights" – THAT Lucy McCormick) to help her with a few days' research & development on an as yet unwritten play she was commissioned to have a think about by the Soho Theatre. Lucy's a hero of mine – I want people I know to see her, and I want people I don't know to know I know her – but this is the first time I've ever collaborated with her theatrically, and the couple of days' fun we've thus far had has reminded me of working with Shunt in two quite specific ways.

 

 

 Firstly, most of the exercises Lucy asks us to do turn up something sustainably entertaining which might be the basis of a whole show by itself. And secondly, none of these exercises seem to have anything to do with each other – despite there being nowhere else I'd rather be, I've no idea what's going on. No, that's not true; while I was dragging myself along the floor yesterday singing harmonies on a Billie Eilish number before tearing into the salad Lucy had gaffer-taped to her legs, I knew exactly what was going on: That. What I mean is, I've no idea what Lucy wants to make. But that's fine, because Lucy does and she says this is exactly what she's needed, so that's great. (That spider diagram was my idea by the way. Its centre was never filled.)

 

Also, THIS Lucy McCormick

Strands

 

"For Mahsa Amini" by Faren Taghizadeh

 

  It's been a busy week for me, but busier for my friend Faren. She's moving flats, which is always quite emotionally draining, and also working 12 hour shifts as social media correspondent for BBC Persian – a job which condemns her to immediate arrest as a western spy if she tries to revisit her home country of Iran. Last night, while I was continually reloading iplayer to see if I was on EastEnders, she was covering a possible revolution.

 

 

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 Here's Faren explaining for the Turkish Service some shows of solidarity for Mahsa Amani, the Iranian woman who died last week after being dragged into a van and beaten by "morality police" for incorrectly covering her hair, a death which coincides with the failing health (and rumoured passing) of Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenie, as well as a meeting of the United Nations. The UN is now calling for an investigation into Amani's death. Iranians are calling for more. If "calling for" is the right phrase. 

 Content warning: vast outnumbering...

 

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 Hence the 12 hour shifts. These scenes are extraordinary. Faren's very busy. I asked her to translate the chants. In hindsight that probably wasn't the smartest thing to ask someone with parents in Iran over a messaging app. 

 I'm going to offer to help with her boxes.

 

The Absolute State Of Me

 Oh well, the episode of the popular soap I may have been in might not have aired yesterday as planned, but my Bucharest job went up online. Look, there I am, far right.

 

 Notice the careful cactus placement? I heard there were a few takes of that. Another interesting story from the set– OOH HANG ON IT'S UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 And Alicia's in it?! You lucky people! Well, this is the best day ever.

"This episode takes place on Monday 19th September 2022."

(Photo by Azqueta Arts)

 

 ANNOUNCEMENT: Guys, I can't say too much, but you MIGHT want to tune into BBC1 tonight at 7:30 to watch– Hang on, let me check... 

 Oh, of course. Yep. 

 Okay. 

 Well, enjoy "Paddington 2", nation. It's what she would have... 

 (So when will it be–? Uhhhh...)

Come On Pilgrim

(source)   

 

 "It's basically a pilgrimage," said Gemma, "There were a couple behind me from York. They asked me what else I was going to see while in London." They'd been down for Diana as well apparently. Gemma Brockis of course lives in London, like me. Having decided it would be crazy to miss probably the biggest act of local political theatre since the beheading of Charles the First, she had joined the queue on Saturday at 4am and was out of Westminster Hall fourteen hours later to come over and help me with a self tape, buzzing. It was great to hear her.

  Because in spite of my decades working in tourist attractions, I tend to forget when I talk about London's "community" or public spaces how much of destination this city is, how much of a venue it is. And the night I walked from Victoria to Hyde Park Corner a week earlier seeing nothing but an occupying army of fences and police, I had known nothing about The Queue to come. It hadn't occured to me that my back yard might have to present itself as the centre of the world for a spell, again.

 

  I also forgot – or it never occured to me – watching and rewatching King Prince Charles lose his temper over a pen in Nothern Ireland, that not only had his mother just died, he was there to reaffirm the legitimacy of – and shake hands once again with – the killers of his favourite uncle. If the biggest story from that visit was a leaky pen I guess he was doing his job, poor sod. It's easy to associate the idea of kings and queens with fantasy, and conclude that their inclusion in a political system is a sign of immaturity, but a far more crucial ingredient of fantasy is heroism and, like Yoda in the good films, the Queen was never heroic. It wasn't her job to make history, just to exist in it, and her speeches weren't meant to rouse. "It is at times such as these..." was her catchphrase.

 

 "She was a little old lady," Gemma said. "Immortal crown. Mortal wearer. The Queen is dead. Long live the King. That's the power of it." 

 That it might be safer for a nation – particularly a nation as historically in love with the idea of empire as ours – to concentrate its hero worship upon someone whose job is simply to receive that worship without seeking it, was an idea that the Queen exemplified for seventy years. "Seventy years. She met Eisenhower. In the fifties. A female head of state!" And this was something else Gemma said that really chimed, particularly in a week which has seen Lindsey Graham attempt a nationwide abortion ban in the US and the murder of Mahsa Amini by morality police in Iran. Without – perhaps uniquely – ever having to be sexualised, masculinised or martyred – from the moment she was on the throne – "here," said Gemma, "was a woman people listened to."