Not me. I haven't been busy. But events... No, I've been more uselessly desk-bound when mapped against time than well perhaps ever.
But leave your desk and pop into the West End and:
And then yesterday - for viewers in the South - the sky suddenly shits ice-balls for ten deafening minutes outside your window while you're signing up to the welcomingly sarcastic F*c*book group "I survived the failed tiger tiger bomb attack of 7/29/07" (sample post: 'I am going to Tiger Tiger this evening to leave a bunch of flowers and a child's toy to commemorate the possible bomb which didn't go off') and this whole Scared-New-World trip finally slips over into the picturesque...
I mean I don't know whether it was the heat or the hail or both (or all three) but St. James' Park never looked liked that before this morning surely? Sitting on a bench to try and take it all in I attracted so many insects (the dainty Versailles types, not the rubbery scuttlers) that after ten minutes I looked like the video to Sledgehammer against a double-page spread of "Where the Wild Things Are".
And thence to Victoria Station this afternoon, where Bruce and Keifer were pointing guns at my head from the newsstands (I'm a fucker) and I stand stock still in the middle of the concourse and look around at our lost boys in yellow and at absolutely everyone else and I just think: "Well the plants were nice but shall I sort of go out less now? Give in? Not to the terrorists but to the supplements. Only interact with the outside world through F*c*book? Yes? No?"
You see, 24 hours ago I also joined the F*c*book group "Hilaracles" dedicated to the invention of jokes that don't actually work, and in penning my contributions a door has opened in my head. Not a big door, but as this gibberish leaves my fingers it feels like Zen Koan. I may have found my metier. Listen:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half-way?
A: To get half-way!
Q: What's a ghost's favourite chocolate?
Two nuns in a bath. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Scotsman: "Where's your kilt?"
Englishman: "It's worn."
What's a ghost's favourite musical?
"Pack your bags, wife! I've just won a million pounds in the lottery!"
"Oo! Should I pack for somewhere hot?"
How do you get to practice at Carnegie Hall?
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her two.
How many zoo-keepers can you get in a mini?
(Try saying it aloud)
What did the Indian brave watch at three in the afternoon?
... See? And I think to myself what a wonderful world etc.