Friday, 15 August 2008

NONBOND CLEAROUT (plus Brenner Pass babble)

(originally posted on myspace here)

In my line of work you have to wear knee-length black woollen socks, sweetheart, and in this heat you take them home and wash them every other day. The rats have fallen ill. I don't know what that means. In my line of work you take Mary Wollstonecraft out onto the floor with you and one polystyrene cup of water and you'd BETTER not knock that one cup over with your tricorn, baby. For those forty seconds between each shows, yeah, it's just you and Mary and the loneliness and the patches of Norwegian Moss and the gum on the floor. And you get back rubs.


So on Tuesday I went to a party where a man told me that my voice had now been playing on a loop in a fortress near the Brenner Pass at least a million times, and that it would continue playing until October. He sent me a link. You can listen to it here. The text's by Glen Neath who did, among other things, The Superheroes, and the speed of my delivery is a consequence of his dashes (these - ) which I had always interpreted as an interruption when used in dialogue (while an ellipsis ... signifies a pause or tailing off, that's my system anyway) but which Glen actually meant to just signify the end of a line, to save space. Still the brief was something like "the tedium of attention" since the fortress itself guards a pass that has never been attacked, and I'm really pleased with how it came out.

And now the last scrapings of Non Bond (actually some of the De Laurentiis stuff is quite classy, particularly "Diabolik" which I guess is really more of a Non Batman). Anyway salvage what joy you can from these: SEE a Rolls Royce melt! SEE Trevor Howard play a man who explodes if offered coffee! SEE Jill St. John! SEE all authority figures being played by obvious drunks! In fact, why not just PRESS PLAY SIMULTANEOUSLY ON ALL OF THESE SUCKERS AND DUCK!

And that's your lot. I have to stop. This morning I dreamt that Robert Vaughan and I saved the world. I had to pull the plug for the nuclear missile out of the wall at JUST the right moment, and everyone I knew from the Dungeon was riding on that missile, strapped into the seats of a revolving restaurant. And we saved them. And still she wouldn't speak to me.

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