Thursday, 25 September 2008


(originally posted on myspace here)


Case 1. Female. Friday. Single. Musician. Or advertising or something.

"What would you say is a specifically male characteristic?"
"Avoiding confrontation."
"You don't think women avoid confrontation?"
"I think men tend to brood. Haha."
"Why are you laughing?"
"I'm enjoying the feeling of being uncomfortable?"
"You enjoy being uncomfortable?"
"Yeah. Yeah I do. And not being able to breathe."
"Mm... Have you always... When - Did you -... Was there a point where you realized you enjoyed being uncomfortable?"
"... When did you last enjoy being uncomfortable?"
"My chiropracter said 'My God your buttocks are extraordinary!' I enjoyed that. He was talking about knots."
"How's your back?"
"I broke two vertebrae when I was fifteen."
"I was doing hand-stands."
"Can you still do hand-stands?"
"Was that the same time you realized you enjoyed being uncomfortable?"
"No it wasn't."
"... Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"What's your name?"
"Is it alright that I took a bite out of your apple?"

Case 2. Friday. Female. Single. Not a vet.

"Tell me about the last film you saw."
"Knocked Up... It's errrr, about a woman who finds she's pregnant from a one-night stand but then falls in love with the guy and then they live happily ever after."
"... You're single?"
"... You're a vet?"
"Where did you study?"
"How many balls have you cut off?"
"Seven. Can I try on your cap?"
"No. Seven?"
"From which animals?"
"Oh animals! I though you meant from people. None."
"You haven't - "
"But when you're studying to be a vet, isn't the main thing you do - "
"Okay, I'm not a vet."
"I see... I wanted to cry last Friday - "
"And I was in public. And I was looking for somewhere I could cry, I was in the park, but I couldn't find anywhere I could cry. There were trees but they were so centrally located that I couldn't go behind them. And suddenly my predicament reminded me of... Do you know what I'm going to say?... Needing to pee. For example there was a stall selling coffee and I thought 'Well if I drank some coffee then I'd REALLY need to pee, but similarly the kindness of the woman serving me coffee might set off my tears.' So I thought more and more about the parallels between wanting to pee and wanting to weep, and after half an hour I realized that I'd been thinking about this so much... that I no longer wanted to cry. But I did now really need the loo."
"Right... Yeah. I've been feeling quite weepy for the past two weeks."
"Oh... it's a long story. Why did you want to cry?"
"Why did you want to cry?"
"I just found out that I'm two months pregnant. And I don't want it."
"So why did you want to cry?"
"I didn't."
"Oh... Can I try on your cap now?"

Case 3. Saturday. Male. In a relationship. (Sitting in for this one: my mate Ella Smith) in a corner, fanning herself.

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"
"Not in English."
"In what language then?"
"... Ella?"

Ella speaks Welsh. A very happy coincidence. Man baffled. High five. Big improvement on Friday.

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