"ANOTHER BIG SACK FULL OF YOUR CRIES FOR HELP"

The Bible and Darwin are travel writing, the cancer is zombies... 

Chuck and George Stroumboulopoulos both making an effort.

Chuck Pahlaniuk - I found out, while researching how to pronounce his name for the latest episode of Before They Were Famous - is every bit as refreshing an interviewee as Alan Moore. My sketch "Chuck Palahnuik's Prankster's Nook" doesn't even attempt to reflect this, obviously. But sometimes you just have to take Fight Club and a half-remembered Goodies' Criminal Book of Records gag -

 

(Specifically I misremembered this as
"Amaze your parents - Tell them you have cancer")

... and run with it. You've a month left to hear this on iplayer, and I reckon a day left to hear the Alan Moore. I loved doing them. Have I said that already? 'Ere:

- Chuck Palahniuk is the author of “Invisible Monsters”, “Rant”, “Snuff”, “Choke”, and the novel for which he is most famous, “Fight Club”. His themes are cultural marginalisation, self-destructive aggression, crises of identity and the impulse towards anarchy, so it was surprising to learn that he cut his teeth editing the letters’ page of the children’s supplement of the Portland Tribune, under the banner “Chuck Palahniuk’s Prankster’s Nook”.

Hey Pranksters, Uncle Chuck here with another big sack full of your cries for help. Let the pranking commence.

Dear Pranksters,
My name is Vanessa and I am nine. Our math teacher Miss Gimball is really mean and boring, so one day the whole class decided to prank her by stapling a bunch of paper cups into a pyramid on her desk, and then filling them full of water! She made the Principal call our parents but it was worth it. Math is hooey. Does anyone you have more ideas for cool pranks that we can play? Love you, Uncle Chuck!   Vanessa, 9

Hey Vanessa,

Your attitude towards education is symptomatic of everything rotten in this country, and I salute you. Remember kids: The world is selling you a lie. A Chuck Palahniuk’s Prank Club Membership Card and Brochure are wending their way to you as we speak, featuring all kinds of cool deals on products such as the exploding lighter, the electric showerhead, and the bullet-through-the-cheek trick. In the meantime, here’s a cool prank - When the principal calls you into his office, wait until he has your parents on the phone, then punch yourself in the mouth. Punch yourself hard. Keep punching until he hangs up and I guarantee, when your family see your what’s happened to your face, you won’t have any trouble from him or Miss Gimball.

Now, a complaint: 

Mr. Palahniuk, my name is Wendy Gunderson. This morning I came downstairs to find my kitchen in disarray and my eight-year-old son James looking for a litre of vinegar. When I asked him what it was for, he directed me to an item in the “Cool Things To Try” column of your Prank Club brochure entitled: “How To Turn Your Skin into Soap.” Is this behaviour typical of the club’s activities? Please cancel my subscription to the Tribune. He is eight.    Wendy, 26

Dear Wendy, 

Please be assured, we here at the Prank Club are just as mad with Jamie as you. What he has done completely contravenes Club rules, as set out on the membership card. It clearly states: The first rule of Prank Club is: You do not talk about Prank Club. The second rule of Prank Club is: You do not talk about Prank Club. The third rule of Prank Club is: Always be a pranky neighbour. I am sorry for him, and I am sorry for you, but I am not sorry not for your kitchen. Here’s a more appreciative letter. It’s in block capitals:

DEAR PRANKSTERS, PLEASE CAN I RECOMMEND MYSELF FOR MEMBERSHIP OF THE PRANK CLUB, I AM 47 YEARS OLD AND LIVE WITH MY MOTHER AND YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY THING IN MY LIFE THAT MAKES ANY SENSE RIGHT NOW. PLEASE DON’T LET THEM FIRE YOU, UNCLE CHUCK. IF THAT HAPPENED I WOULD DIE. YOU GUYS ARE LIKE A FAMILY. PLEASE. I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO TURN.

                                           ROBERT 47       P.S. I HAVE NEVER KNOWN A WOMAN.

Dear Robert, welcome. You are in a safe place now. I will give you a new name to celebrate your joining us. “Robert” was not helping you. “Robert” is no more. Kids, let’s all welcome our new recruit by sending in suggestions for what he should now be called. Personally, I like “Worthless Bob.”  Hey, I recognize this next prankster:
                                          

Chuck, this is your editor Kevin. Stop telling children to punch themselves in the mouth. I’m really serious about this. I’m going to have to take you off this page if it continues. You need to see someone. This isn’t cool.         Kevin, 38

Hey Kevin. You should let go a bit more. I feel your job is ruling your life. Don’t you live in the same building you work in? Hey kids, the address is up there at the front of this paper - why not come over and buck Kevin up with some surprise pranks? 

Finally, Prank of the Week. Let’s see who’s won the $5!

Hey Chuck, my name is you. I would like to nominate myself for Prank of the Week because I have just set fire to your house in a psychotic fugue. Now you are free, free from your catalogue-chosen hell, free to be who you are, which is me.    You, 23

Congratulations, Chuck! Cool twist. I don’t remember that happening at all. Well, that’s it for this week’s Pranksters’ Corner, kids. 

And remember: Nothing of this.                             

 

Ikea 2013 catalog (sic)