What I'd say to Stephen Fry (as God)

"STEPHEN! WELCOME TO HEAVEN."
"Bone cancer in children? What's that about?"
"AH! GOOD QUESTION -"
"How dare you!"
"NO, I HAVE AN ANSWER -"
"How dare you create a world in which there is such misery that is not our fault -"
"WELL, IF YOU'D JUST LISTEN -"
"It's not right. It's utterly -"
"NO, I'M GOD. I HAVE AN ANSWER. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF ME."
"Utterly evil! Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid God -"
"OKAY -"
"Who creates a world which is so full injustice and pain?"
"BUT NO, THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT IN THE END -"
"You're quite clearly a maniac."
"OH RIGHT, BUT ZEUS IS NORMAL!"
 "An utter maniac. Totally selfish."
"OKAY, SO: BONE CANCER IN CHILDREN -"
"We have to spend our life on our knees thanking you?!"
"NOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE."
"What kind of god would do that?"
"BUT... BUT REGULATED PERIODS OF SUBMISSION ARE FUN!"
"Yes the world is very splendid -"
"WELL THANK YOU."
"But it also has in it insects whose whole life cycle is to burrow into the eyes of children and make them blind -"
"WAIT, THEY WHAT?!"
"They eat outwards from the eyes -"
"OH NO WAIT, YEAH. I REMEMBER THEM."
"Why? Why did you do that to us?"
"OKAY, SO THIS IS LIKE THE BONE CANCER QUESTION. WELL, THE REASON IS -"
"You could easily have made a creation in which that didn't exist."
"WHOAH! HAHA! OKAY, STEPHEN, A LITTLE OUT OF YOUR DEPTH HERE - HA!"
"It's simply not acceptable."
"OH YOU'RE - YOU'RE GRADING ME NOW? BECAUSE - OH, HE'S GONE... PHEW, TO BE HONEST I WAS ACTUALLY BRICKING IT HE WAS GOING TO ASK ME -"
"Oh also, why do you hate gays?"
"DANG."

 

For the record: I've been an atheist since I was about eight. That means I don't believe in a god. And with respect to Stephen Fry (and Scroobius Pip) that's all it means. It doesn't mean I hate God, nor that I believe people who believe in God are automatically psychopath-worshipping morons. Even if their kid does have bone cancer.

(Perhaps in fairness I should add, when Stephen Fry's taking down things that actually exist, he is unbeatable.)