This Handsome Chair

The other night my baby and I met up after the show and went to the Shunt Lounge to get smashed before walking home which has become a happy weekly thing. She asked me to tell her a story that night, and weak on cross-eyed Joyce's plum gin I made up this, which I thought i might as well put down here, without the ums:

'Once upon a time there was a handsome chair.

And all the bums in all the land wanted to sit on this chair. And they did.

But the chair did not like bums and longed one day to be sat on by a face instead. And all the other chairs said to each other "Who does this chair think it is, for whom bums aren't good enough?!"

But then one day a pervert turned up. And the pervert placed his face on the handsome chair and sniffed the seat.

And so the handsome chair learned that some faces are every bit as bad as some bums.

And the handsome chair decided to set out and find for itself where true beauty really lay. But being a chair it could get no further than falling on its side.

So there the handsome chair lay, on its side, and the police saw it and said "Was this the site of an incident?" And all the other chairs said "Yes! Yes, this was the site of a terrible incident!" And so the police taped off the handsome chair with incident tape and nobody was allowed to touch it and all the bums now sat on all the other chairs for ever and ever until the nuclear apocalypse.

And then all the people died and all the seats of all the chairs gathered radioactive dust.

And when the aliens finally landed they saw all the chairs covered in dust and said "Let's not sit there."

And then they saw the handsome chair, on its side, whose seat had gathered no dust, and they righted it, and took their turns to sit on it. And they all had faces in their bums.

And so the handsome chair and the aliens with faces in their bums lived happily ever after. The end." 

 

 Phew, good thing I got that down!

 In other news, "Six Impossible Things", the radio play I was in that got pulled from iplayer can now be downloaded here. I say something with my mouth full towards the end. It's "Sad times." The rest is pretty audible.